Nigerians don't go on dates..
Whenever you ask a girl out, it automatically becomes a date..only, you both don't go out on the contrary, you both just take the title boyfriend and girlfriend and then you get to do whatever you want to together.
Now imagine if ten guys ask your girlfriend out and she accepts, that automatically means she's dating ten guys alongside you!
"Don't you like the food?", I asked Joy who had been staring disgusted at the rice and stew I bought for her by the side of the junction. That had been my favorite spot to eat and as she insisted I took her on a date (even if we were already dating), that was the best spot that came to mind. Everything was in place, the sound of the nearby market men and women calling to their customers added rhythm to one's ears coupled with the constant buzzing of the flies trying to get a snack.
Joy didn't seem to like it at all. She got up and left the small kiosk we were in. I ran after her almost tripping down a nearby table filled with customer food, I got off lucky. After that ordeal I finally decided to be gentlemanly and take my girl our first official date like the Westerns do (kudos to anyone who coined the word "date"!).
Polished my favorite suit, got out the trouser that my dad had given to me on my 19th birthday, got it we'll ironed and I was on my way. It was always nice to open the car door for your date and I did that, I took my little brother's toy car and with the doors opened I gave my beautiful date who accepted it with a heart warming smile.
"What can I get you both", the waiter at the luxurious restaurant James had suggested I used asked. I picked up the menu and opted for what I thought would be the least prize, "yam and boiled egg". Joy went for a plate of fried rice and two cans of energy drinks. After all, we both needed to be strong enough for the aftermath of this beautiful date.
We spoke at length, It didn't take my woman long to utter the words "I love you" and I could hear my heart utter the words back at her. We ordered for another set of cans of that same drink and before long we started to laugh at the weirdly dressed cat that sat next to the couple in front.
I even thought I had seen a waiter with no pants and when I told Joy about it we laughed and almost knocked down the table. Joy was happy, so was I, apparently the Westerns aren't just racists after all, they had a knack for good things.
Talking about knack I could feel all the hair in my body stand as my baby took my hand and asked me to dance with her. We danced wildly, salsa, tango, afro and anything that came to mind. The whole crowd cheered except for the fat f*ck who had wished he had a girl instead of a dog by his table.
We laughed out asses out and realizing it was late, decided to ask for the bill. To our greatest surprise, the yam and boiled egg wasn't the least most expensive thing we had ordered, but it was outrageously expensive.
When I asked the waiter why it was so, he replied that it was one of the Chef's masterpiece and I thought back and wondered if it was the leaf that had been by the side of the yam that made it that expensive.
I had to pay a whooping $120 that night, money that I could have used to build three houses in Akure. But nevertheless, as long as my delectable Joy was happy, it was worth it. We boarded our toy car back, at least it felt like it. I felt really dizzy and my head was spinning but I was pretty sure nothing was going to spoil my night.
Immediately we got out the car, I couldn't hold it any more. I threw up all over the front yard and Joy couldn't stop laughing. I didn't even realize I had walked on my own puke until I was on my bed with my baby snoring by my side. I let out a big grin and closed my eyes.
What a date we just had!
This post is a submission to the ComedyOpenMic ft Paritae
blogging competition "Dating Chronicles" Hive Blogging Competition. Over $150 in prizes!
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