Levels have been below optimal for a good bit. Like when you notice the brake fluid is a little low but the indicator light hasn't turned on. Shouldn't wait until that light turns on. Don't want to ride the low wave for much longer.
Not sure what I need, though. I have some ideas, but small talk sucks, and big talk of the past has always ended up as an emotional investment. I've only ever known all or nothing when it comes to these intimate things. I'm past that, now, but I don't know how much some I want. Or how much I can handle. I don't know if I'm talking about sex. Maybe just friendship.
Maybe I need to run away again.
Sleeping in my car, huddled under the covers with my little toto in the middle of somewhere nowhere over the everywhere rainbow this last trip, I connected with the deepest sense of safety. There were so many times, childhood, teenage, adulthood times, when I could have left. Should have left. But there was always just enough of what I thought I needed to keep me there. Never enough understanding of who I really was, am, to make me leave, not with those people who suckled steadily at my energy to keep themselves whole. But there, hidden in the back seat amidst the bold life I've created with the one person I trust most in all this world, I felt a peace that cascaded backwards through time to all those people that I used to be for everyone else and never me.
These are not the words I expected to come out of me tonight.
I wanted to talk about turning on the receptors to be open to flirting so I can decide if I want to flirt back. I wanted to tell the story of how fun girl roughed me up for way too long after the puck had left and how I didn't realize it was her until she giggled and then it was too late, no wait, do it again, I'm ready now! I wanted want to feel excited about how cozy it is to like someone even if it doesn't make sense, even if will never go anywhere, instead of always feeling ashamed of these feelings.
I thought maybe if I could write something to make myself laugh (because I'm good at that) I could catch a higher wave and ride it out of this funk that I've been in for way too long.
I'm trying, damn it, I'm trying. But the sea is dark and slow.
Slow. Rhymes with grow. And know. And go.
And crow.
This is my entry for the #monomad challenge, held daily in the Black and White Community.
Give it a try. Even if you feel like shit.
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