Wishing My Dreams To Never End

It's my second time joining #hivephcontests and I pulled my self to write this one cause it's a little bit close to my heart.
I have pondered for while if I will join this contest or let the next one come but I might as well try, right? And now here's my entry...

This weeks theme is:

What does wake me up when September ends mean to you?

Do you ever have a dream where you don't want to wake up from? I do. I used to hate sleeping when I was really young, I would often climb our window and sneak from my nanny to meet up with my cousin who was the same age as me. We would play all day and would only come home when its almost dark outside. Though this all change in February of 1999 when my father died of cardiac arrest.

It was so sudden I didn't even realized that something was wrong when the barangay ambulance whisked my father to the hospital. I was six that time and I was unaware of death. It was something I haven't heard or seen before. I could clearly remember how I was sulking in a corner beacaue my father raised his voice to me for the first time. In my head, I was thinking that God punished him because he was mean to me and when he comes back I would make him say sorry for what he did. Though, dad never came back. The next day he was in a coffin sleeping.

I asked my mom to wake him but she only cried.

That day a krypton landed in my life and marked my long battle with suppression. I couldn't remember myself crying back then. Instead, I asked to sleep all the time.

In my dream, dad is awake and with me. I was happy in my dreams and I didn't want to let it go. More times, I would sleep through afternoon refusing to play outside. I was always closer to my dad, he was the more attentive parent. So my family thought sleeping was my way of mourning since they never saw me cry.

After my father died my family also changed. My dad's burial was held for almost three months because we were waiting for my grandmother to come and see him off. In exchange our business came to a halt and we lost a lot of money. My mom focused on her business and hired relatives from my father's side to take care of me and my siblings. (Sabi ni mama maganda daw 'yun nakakatulong ka na tapos may tao pang magbabantay sa amin.) And it was the bomb that set it off.

The negligence started. More and more relatives come and go to our house. My mom would often brushed off my words. I grew to resent her and my whole family. Back then whenever I'm sad, I would lock myself in my room and sleep.

Years passed, I was in fourth year of High School and I was in this bar when the band on the stage sang Wake Me Up When September Ends. I remembered exactly how I cried loudly (yung hagulgol talaga lalo na dun sa lyrics na Like my father's come to pass. It was like a silent movie played before my eyes seeing the memories I had with my father.) with snorting sounds. My friends with me thought I was just having my phase again. I also invited them to hang out though it was 1AM in the morning, so they knew it has something to do with my family. That time I used to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night or in wee hours to go clubbing or hang out with my friends. It was my way of letting my steam out.

I was crying uncontrollably back then that my asthma was getting triggered that I needed to get out of the bar. Outside I let myself calm down and realized that I was suppressing my feelings for so long that my longing for my dad transformed into anger. I blamed every bad things that happened to me to his death. And it may started with it but it wasn't a good enough reason to have such resentments.

Surprisingly the vocalist was outside too that time and he asked me why I was crying.(Apparently he also knew me coz he's friend with one of my brothers.) I told him it made me remember my dad's death. Though I already heard the song for a millionth time but his rendition was different. It turned out he also lost his father recently and it was a tribute to him. And maybe it was the very reason why I was so affected to his song, it woke the emotions slumbering inside me for so long. His song became my catharsis.

Ever since then the song found a special spot inside me. And if you ask me what the line, wake me up when September ends meant to me? To me, it means you are done running away from all the hurt and trauma you have encountered. You realized that the memories will probably stick to you but you have no choice but to move forward and keep going.

Let's remind ourselves na okay lang maging malungkot from time to time. Okay lang masaktan dahil parte yon ng mga buhay natin. Ang hindi okay e ikulong natin yung sarili natin sa isang ala-ala na wala na tayong paraan para balikan pa.

Peace out!