For months I have had this thought ruminate in my head and it wasn’t until today I decided to get it out of my system. Nigeria would always find a way to mess up your day, but thank God I have a coping mechanism. When I get the ass whooping from my country, I immediately turn to music. However, there are things I have found that music can’t fix. Like the realisation I had all those months ago.
I was having a conversation with my friend @enyitee one time and we both took a moment to let the thought that our destinies (emphasis on that word) solely rested on our shoulders. That can be a lot for a girl to handle, especially one who has to consider family and step up more often than most in terms of bread winning.
That is just one of the realisations I had this year but then I had a lesson to go with it. We needed to make a big decision at home and it was about our future. More specifically, it was about our finances. My mom turned to me to ask what to do and frankly I was at a loss for words at that moment, so I asked for time to think. But we did not have time. A decision needed to be made and my mom entrusted that responsibility to me.
See, this is the good part. In that moment I sat on my couch, scrolling through YouTube shorts and letting my brain do that thing where it entertains itself while scouring every possible solution it could think of, it dawned on me that sometimes, we have to live through decisions we made not for our sake but that of others. My mom turned to me for answers and probably for two reasons. One, she wasn’t sure anymore what to do and two, she hoped I did. You see, the decision I make and give my mom becomes the plan. If that plan fails, I have to live with it.
When that realisation came to me, it was like a flashback to all the times I had to make the decisions and I either ended up right or lethally wrong. Each time, I had to live with those decisions and each time, I found that forgiving myself is the hardest part of this thing called growth.
So, what I am saying is, this year has taught me a lot. I have learned that sometimes, people around you, who love you and care about you just get tired and leave the rest to you. It doesn’t matter if you are prepared or not, if they are tired, they are tired and somehow, life has a way of forcing you to take the wheels.
I knew my mom was tired which was why she let me bear that weight. She’s not heartless or insensitive. She is just a woman who has lived so long, given everything she has for her daughter to live a good life and just can’t bear it anymore. She wants to fall back a little and have peace. Do I want to give her that? I do, and I will.
This new perspective helped me re-evaluate my relationships. Whose burden am I bearing and who is bearing my burden? Who have I unknowingly relinquished my wheels to? How is my life so far?
You know, I am not energetic and loud about my life all the time because most of the time, it is from one trouble to the other. I have a few moments of rest in between and those moments are what keep me going. Those small moments remind me that life is worth living, no matter how painful it is.
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