‘Is there no way out of the mind?’ - Sylvia Plath
My thoughts simply cannot be summarized into a limited number of characters, a filtered photo, or whatever the traditional social media's requiring me to post. My mind's not for the regular social media peeps anyway because I don't want to shock them at all with my diabolical thinking. I can't even write what's actually on my mind because there's just a lot of shit going on in here. A nonstop series of complex, mostly dark thoughts every second. It's never-ending, it's restless, it goes on overdrive, it's racing, it is fucking exhausting.
Ever since I got diagnosed last year with this horrible horrible debilitating mental affliction, I've gotten to truly understand myself more. I didn't ask for this. I'm more of a victim of everything that has been done to me early on, years and years of repeated exposure to trauma, helplessness, abandonment and neglect. I've come to realize later on why my whole life have I been acting so differently, so impulsively and so obsessively. And why can't I just be fucking normal like the rest. My life has been all about chasing answers and trying to be better. I wish that I've inherited millions instead of this painful and invisible illness, just so inhumane isn't it? I honestly do not wish this upon anyone. And if only I had a choice, I would not wish to be born. Because I've suffered more than I enjoyed in this life.
I'm just glad I get to only live this life once. And if I have to reincarnate, I'd rather be a worm - I'm sure you'd still love me tho?
While I'm still here on earth, switching back and forth from light to darkness, getting better and relapsing and getting better again, this whole tiring self-improvement journey of mine, I'm just gonna write it all down because I know you guys won't judge. So today, I'm just gonna give you a quick trip into my mind to discuss the concept of a "Favorite Person".
Well I'm sure everyone has right? It could be your best friend, sister, mother, boyfriend but it's nothing but just a favorite person - a pretty harmless description of someone who matters to you most... but not for the borderlines.
For us, the favourite person is our whole world. The current fixation, the object of affection, the flavour of the month. It can be a best friend and not necessarily a romantic interest. So basically this person is someone we worship, talk to everyday and literally think about 24/7. And if you want to make it sound even creepier, we are totally obsessed with this person. He/she is our whole life and if this person is gone, our whole world will fall apart. It feels like dying. We do elaborate, mad things to get this person back or else we will severely punish ourselves physically and mentally. This is why we can't handle breakups and ghosting like everyone else - we have this extreme fear of abandonment. Even just "perceived abandonment" can send us into overdrive. Obsession and fear of abandoment - are our core features (lol I don't want to make it sound like a software or gadget).
As I learned about this crippling hell of an illness later on in life, I finally realized that my best friend who passed away due to COVID, was my favourite person all along. I admired everything about this person, his creativity, his intellect, his perspective, his loyalty - our energies totally match. We talked 24/7 even when I was traveling, when I'm in the supermarket, before I sleep. He knew everything about me - my deepest, darkest secrets and all. I never felt like he would ghost me or abandon me. I trusted him and felt safe with him. I never got mad if he didn't reply within 5 mins because I knew he was busy at work and that he would always always get back to me. And then we would chat again about deep and mundane stuff nonstop - basically everything under the sun. It was easy. It was platonic love.
When I was on the road or even if we were long distance, I felt like everything was alright because I talked to him all the time anyway. Nobody else mattered. Nothing mattered. I didn't go out of my way to make new friends anymore as others looked and felt bland to me. The rest of the people didn't measure up. My friend didn't mind my neediness, my emotional outbursts, my craziness. We always found a way to make amends and connect again. We forgive and forget. It was just this toxic, co-dependent cycle, and now I finally realized, he might have the same mental affliction after all.
I couldn't wait to hang out, have fun and laugh with him... then in one split of a second "I split", yet one of those petty fights. From idealization to devaluation - that's BPD. We hurt each other. I thought he might be "splitting too". I never had to worry about this because I knew back then that we would always resolve things when our moods finally calm down. Then he died. He died right before I got the chance to reach out to him and say sorry. My favourite person was gone, just like that, the worst thing that could ever happen.
I realize now why I never got obsessed with my exes (obsession with a romantic partner was the usual issue for a borderline) when my friend was still alive. They were never my favorite person. It was easier to break up with them or let them go because I had a friend anyway - the most important person in my life at the time. So when he was gone, my whole world collapsed. It hurts so much. I couldn't even describe the pain I went through. I wanted to die. But at the same time, I wanted to heal so bad, learn to live through my grief so I can still live my life for the remaining people in my life. I sought therapy and this is how I've gotten to understand this dark side of me. Everything made sense. There's actually a name for this lifelong madness. My therapist said that my relationship with my "FP (favorite person)" was not healthy in the first place and that I should not have have been obsessed with one friend. I should have connected with my other friends too but it was easier said than done.
Without a favourite person, I feel empty and lonely but at least I'm more balanced, at peace and not self-destructive. But as soon someone comes into my life, someone who shares the same interests, passion, makes me feel elated, and resembles the same toxic pattern, this person is bound to become my FP. All hell breaks loose once again and the obsession begins. I have so much love to give but I'd be very afraid that it won't be reciprocated so in the end I will reject my own love for this person. I will do anything for him not to abandon me which will cause him to abandon me - lol it all sounds crazy I know. Borderlines like to reinforce this toxic core belief that we are not worthy of love as we are diabolical after all. As my therapist said, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So this new favourite person is gone before I knew it. I will obsessively wait and wait because the high, omg the high and dopamine hit is insane when this person comes back to my life and gives me attention and affection once again. The cycle goes on until he doesn't come back anymore. And I'm back to zero.
Stable friendships and relationships are extremely hard for us. We tend to shut down and push everyone away - we will abandon you before you get to abandon us. And you guys do not wish to be my FP as I shamelessly can admit that I can be too much. Too much to handle for normal peeps. I certainly do not want to be a burden for someone who doesn't understand what it's like to have this demon. Maybe a person with the same affliction would be able to understand as he/she can know what to say or not do so as not to activate those triggers and fears. But really, even then, it will still require patience, understanding, and honest communication. No matter how hard I try to perform to be ideal and conceal my demon, the mental makeup will soon come off. I'd rather be loved for who I am.
I can punish myself over and over but then in the end all I can do is just try to be better. To apologize without expectations to those I hurt and take responsibility. To find healthy ways to cope. To be more compassionate with myself. To never give up. And maybe, just maybe, someday when I'm completely healed, there will be no favourite person anymore. I will be a complete human being with someone I truly care about, someone who will understand and accept me completely without judgment. No more lingering fear of abandonment. No more obsession.
Awww my favorite evil thing.
