I'm mad and it's official. Sorry life got in the way. It feels like I've been away for such a long long time. I miss this community. I got into this addicting hobby which is online gaming (Ragnarok) - mainly to distract myself from the ills of this world. Then I fell a bit in love somewhere along the way. I lost my routine and everything else good. I lost myself again. I lost all the hard work that I've put into taking care of myself. Deep down I don't want to take care of myself anymore. It's absolutely exhausting. And so here I am crashing down again...
A lot of things happened recently but not all are necessarily bad. Most are just learning experiences. To be honest I don't have the energy to share everything and to even be sitting here and writing this... but let me try one more time. Part of my crash is also finally finding out that I have "borderline qualities" as told by a professional. I know as shameful as it sounds... given all the stigma that comes with BPD. I am to be avoided. Run for your life - I can be dangerous. Knowing this just makes me feel even more alone. What do I care now? I might die sooner or later. At least you know now that the Diabolika you try to love is not at all loveable. I destroy relationships, friendships and put hell into this earth. I am unforgiveable. All this self-doubt, feelings of rejection and abandonment eventually all came to me one fine dark evening. I sought intense physical pain to ease all the overwhelming emotional pain. Even just for a moment. Punishing myself extremely so I can feel just a little bit better. Just a little bit better.
I just started therapy and I hope it will work before I lose all hope. The idea of sweet sweet death consumes me everyday. I feel so tired maintaining this seemingly "perfect life" - keeping a job, a nice apartment, doing groceries, working out only to crash again... I don't want to be strong anymore. I pushed away all the good people who offered to take care of me. Why? So I can validate that I'm right and that I'm a horrible horrible human being. And that I don't deserve all this love and affection.
Damned if I do damned if I don't. I really don't want to isolate myself but I feel like I'd rather suffer alone than inflict more damage on anyone else. This is such a debilitating illness and somewhere out there I know I'm qualified to die for a reason. Because it hurts so so much and my mind bullies me everyday. I just want this pain to end. My remaining few friends still see the beauty and passion on me. And yet all I can see is the blackness inside.
I still want to get better in managing my emotions and maintaining relationships and having friendships without being sensitive, impulsive and hurtful. I am not my childhood anymore. I am not this condition. I hope you all still see the good in me. I'm here for as long as that "invincible summer" is still in me. If I can't anymore, then you have to forgive me. Not all of us are fit to tackle "life".
The kind of love that I'm looking for... beautiful, accepting. Unconditional. Thank you for your love...
