I finished my detox! Hooray!

Well, I shouldn't say I finished it, because for the first time (I think for the first time in my life!) I don't feel finished with it. I feel like I have just scratched the surface, and want to actually stretch this into more a lifestyle.

and it feels really good.

I feel like in the past, I've had so many goals that were time-sensitive.
Going to be on tv, going to a family reunion, going to turn a certain age, going to win a bet! hahaha All of these things aren't necessarily bad for trying to lose weight and achieve a goal. Well, they aren't bad to get a jump start - but the trick is:

How do you keep that energy and momentum to a point where you can SUSTAIN those losses?

I tend to go 1000% on everything. And 1000% is just not ever going to be sustainable. You're going to have that crash, and you're going to run to the crutches that you always find comforting.

Sex, drugs, alcohol, food, adrenaline... again - those things on their own are NOT necessarily bad in moderation (well, I guess drugs can be haha) But making them the priority instead of the seasoning in your life will always bring your focus to the wrong places.

So today, I found myself going sideways.

I woke up and started to think about my weight and my shape and ideals, and that has always been a VERY difficult thing for me to determine. I'm 5'2" but I'm very muscular and curvy. When I was growing up, I was leaner and healthy - but if you compared my body to the other girls' bodies - I was always heavier. The charts said where I should be (according to the majority) and no matter how hard I tried - I couldn't GET there. My body was never going to be waif-like. LOL I looked more like a gymnast. I look at the pictures from that time and think I was INSANE to not realize how perfectly lovely my body was! But, I was comparing myself to something that I wasn't and never would be.

The beauty standards of the day fell more towards the waif look of Kate Moss than today's beauty standards of J.Lo, Beyonce, Salma and Kim (to only name a few! LOL seems like everyone is showing off their curves now!)

Had I been born just 15 years later.. haha

But I wasn't, and so instead of feeling at home in my body, I always felt the need to change it.

I have been thinking very hard about what I want this year to be for me. I have many goals, one of which is to get back to where I felt the healthiest. But where was that? What IS that for me? This morning, I made the very bad mistake of looking to Hollywood. Why? honestly - why do we do this to ourselves?

After once again comparing myself to ideals - I just felt bad. Worse than bad. But instead of shoving down the feelings and suppressing them with familiar crutches, I decided to get up and work out.

I put on my headset, and loaded up Supernatural and it felt amazing. Normally, I work out with Coach Mark (my FAVORITE!!) but today, Coach Dwana had some cool looking songs to work out to!

Not only was it amazing music, and an INCREDIBLE workout, but her coaching shot straight out from the workout and hit its mark - right in my heart! The songs she chose were all perfect! I was ON FIRE and moving my body with every arc and drive and turn... it was like I was WILLING the change in my body and mind with every movement.

Then she was just pushing me a little further, speaking the most incredible motivation that seemed so tailor-fit to me!! At the end, sweat was pouring down my cheeks, but mixed with the tears of just fighting back years of demons. And I won.

At the end, she literally said "You might have sweat pouring down your face, maybe even some tears..." It was like she was right there in the room with me.

I wake up everyday - EXCITED to work out again. There is no drudgery, no lethargy, no resistance, no complaining. I CANNOT WAIT to workout with my Supernatural coaches!!!

I'm so excited for 2022. It's already had ups and downs and detours and questions and doubts.

But I am so excited for each day, and every day - I'm going to make it work for me.