The Overwhelming Storm
When I wrote the Monday Market Musings for @brofund today I already mentioned it. But today was one of those days when the storm raging outside caused a storm of emotions to rage inside me that could not be controlled. I was bouncing around the house, so to speak. I felt super restless and agitated. As a highly sensitive person, I have always had difficulty with harsh weather conditions. Where persistent gray rain can make me depressed, the pattering of rain against the windows in a storm can freak me out. And today there was a storm, combined with heavy rain, and this combination today penetrated every corner of my mind where it seemed as if a hurricane of emotions began to rage around.
My thoughts were flooded with a sense of impending doom, an indefinable sense of dread that hung like a shadow over my day. It's not that I haven't done anything to control my emotions. On the contrary, I've been busy distracting myself. I took the coloring book for adults that my sister had given me, and I started focusing my thoughts on coloring, not thinking, focusing, and choosing colors. I also continued with a new pyrography project that I started yesterday. But unfortunately, no matter what I did, nothing seemed to help. As soon as I stopped, the restlessness raged through my body again. It was as if I was summoning the storm outside, as if my strong emotions, and my restlessness were challenging the elements. While I know that it was precisely the elements that fueled my unrest. Now I have to say that several things did not help me keep myself calm.
Sorrowful Distractions
A source of distraction for me is of course working with my dogs. But unfortunately, another important source of my worries is our Lana, she is now almost 14 years old, but the question remains whether she can still reach this milestone. I have already written here that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. The mammary gland tumor that we could only feel at the time has grown into a large ball that has been visible over the past six months. Even if you wanted to, you wouldn't be able to overlook it. Yesterday my partner and I had a conversation about how we should continue with her, or rather, how long can we continue WITH her.
Lana is still active and full of life, but the tumor is starting to make its mark. She reports absolutely no physical pain, but she is bothered, especially when she wants to lie down. Her soft moans reveal this, and it breaks my heart to hear it. She finds comfort on a mattress, but on the couch, she desperately searches for a position that will relieve the tumor. We can just touch the tumor, she doesn't sound stuffy and it doesn't seem like she has any metastases, so apart from the fact that it bothers her when she wants to lie down, she doesn't seem to be bothered by anything. And that creates a situation in which we again doubt whether we should have her operated on after all. Doubt rages again, can we do that to her? The long recovery period, a major operation, at her age? But if we don't do it, aren't we just depriving her of a chance at life, a chance at...??? Intellectually speaking, we know that she is elderly and that an operation at her age and with her character is a major risk. But at the same time, we want to give her every opportunity she can get. Reason and feeling have a major conflict here.
Unspoken Worries and Silent Fears
My mind tells me that the prospect of what is to come hangs over us like a great threat. My feeling is that I don't want it. And to be honest, I don't even want to think about seeing my partner's sadness when the time comes. Lana is truly HIS dog, his everything. Just like Lex used to be. The grief for Lex almost destroyed him and caused us to temporarily grow apart. I don't want to experience that again. The worries are piling up, and it's hard not to get sucked in. Lana's inevitable farewell, which is getting closer, casts its shadow over my mind. And then there are other concerns, unspoken but palpable, that fuel my anxiety.
Today, as the storm raged outside, I felt like a ship adrift in a vast ocean. Of course, I am not the only one dealing with worries and sadness. Everyone will have to deal with this sooner or later. Sometimes this will be visible to someone else, and sometimes it is hidden behind a mask. What is important is that you find a way to deal with it. And I couldn't do that today. Fortunately, I was able to express my feelings during a conversation with @thisismylife via Discord. Thanks <3!
Towards a Calmer Tomorrow
Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully with calmer weather both inside and outside. Today there's nothing else to do besides let my tears flow and let the whirlwind of emotions blow through my thoughts. Hopefully, this storm of feelings will eventually bring clarity and peace.
