When I was a teenager, I used to be deeply fascinated with old English comedy. I think it's fair to say John Cleese was my first love. And among the things I used to watch, as a deeply geeky, kinda in-my-own-world person of 15 or so, was a show called "Bottom", created by the inimitable Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson. And it was about this desperately uncool duo whose sole desire in life was to get some action. Much of the show revolved around their tragic ill-fated attempts at wooing, including the debut, where the two characters spray themselves with "sex pheromones" and try to lure women into bed.
Give in. Give in to your cravings. Do as you are bid. You cannot help yourself. Come back to my place because we're going to have it oooooffffff.
Well. This happened to me earlier. I kid you not. I'm generally quite friendly and encouraging of men who have the courage to ask for a girl's number out in real life. With all this online dating nonsense, coupled with the #metoo scares, a lot of guys are simply too put-off or scared to try to approach a woman IRL. So I was out shopping, and this cute guy came and asked for my number, which I gave. I chatted with him a bit and so on. Thought he was a bit forward, but I figured you know, I'm safe, responsible, and no harm done just chatting with someone. We continued texting for a bit, and out of the blue he starts asking these rather personal sexual questions.
I told him as much, and he actually replied
You have some sort of barrier about yourself. I don't see why. You should give in to your cravings. Give your body what it wants.
I cringe just typing this. Honestly, though, it was one of the funniest things I've heard in pick-up in a long time. Naturally, it was buh-bye from that point on, but it stayed in my head. For one, that something that was satire 30 years ago is now actually considered okay by some people. I mean, before today, I didn't wanna imagine there's people like Rik and Ade's characters.
For another thing, I wanted to know...does that shit actually work? I mean, would it work on you? Or do you know anyone who, upon receiving that type of message, would be like alrighty then, off we go? I should hope not.
It's amusing, but also kinda sad. I've never been a fan of this hook-up culture, but for a while, I went along with this "you do you" vibe. That's the story, everyone's free to do as they will, and you're not allowed to judge or shame anyone. Mostly, I'm on board. First, I don't care what you do in your private life as long as it includes consenting adults. Secondly, I realize some of my own life choices might've been looked down on, or ostracized in previous eras, so I'm not quick to shame or judge someone.
But this is endemic. By now, I've ran into my fair share of guys out for a good time, no strings attached. Interestingly enough, a lot of these men seem to be a little older. Oddly enough, guys my own age often seen more interested in an actual relationship, whereas guys 30+ (this store guy was 38) seem to be increasingly infantile, and fickle.I wonder why that generation in particular, or if it's a thing, at all.
Anyway, I'm not someone to tell them to live different. And yet, I can't help but feel we are somehow endorsing this as a society. Everything goes, in our world, and maybe to our own peril. It used to be that womanizers and "easy women" were a little looked down on by society. Not in the olden days when they branded you for screwing the wrong person, but even in the last century. There used to be a little shame associated to that.
It put me in mind of a brilliant article by Lionel Shriver (possibly my favorite author of all time) arguing that shame has a role in our society, namely to discourage dangerous/bad behavior. My grandfather was a notorious womanizer (though I daresay he had some class), and it never discouraged him that people thought poorly of that sorta thing. I don't think it would, if you really wanna act on it, you know?
But now, not only is it no longer discouraged, it's accepted as a seemingly valid lifestyle. Your focus on your job and you screw around to feign the genuine human connection you need. Isn't that a little robotic? And in a society that already seems hell-bent on destroying the family, and interpersonal bonds as a whole, I wonder if this whole casual dating thing isn't by design.
A society where the family no longer exists is a society where man has nothing to protect, other than his own material fortune. A man with nothing to protect is a man easier to control and subdue.
Not just men, obviously, but this is a truth that somehow goes ignored in our society. Now, you're encouraged to...
...have fun. You deserve it.
...give in to your most animalistic cravings.
...screw around. Men have been doing it for years.
...be selfish in bed. Your satisfaction comes first.
...don't like 'em? they're easy to replace!
These, to me, are sad ideas to be passing on to new generations. They are also poor values to be condoning, since many of them actually serve as patches for trauma. Having difficulty establishing intimate bonds is a sign of trauma, yet this society, rather than support these people in getting the help they need, is telling them that's a valid lifestyle choice and they should roll with it.
Last year, I briefly dated this deeply messed-up guy. You could tell. He'd suffered severe abandonment as a child, and he wasn't quite right emotionally. Lived this sort of lifestyle, and his difficulty in trusting/forming normal bonds with people were evidently trauma-linked. Yet, when I stopped seeing him (not being someone interested in that kinda world), he was genuinely surprised. Why? What could possibly be wrong with his lifestyle?
That's the sort of thinking our society enforces, and it's kinda scary to me. Funny supermarket encounters aside, I do think our views on life, love and dating are perilous ones, aimed not at strengthening but at weakening our society. And it's our role to guard that, to protect our families, and our shared community.
Interestingly, a lot of my personal psychological exploration has been coming back to connection, community, and the invaluable support of social bonds. Social bonds that the string-free individual is inevitably without. Strong, liberated new world?
I think not.
