Rough Days
Jansen is having rough days, since yesterday. As his mother, I definitely feel anxious. He had his bouts of partial bowel obstruction again. I have been practicing deep breathing and mindful thinking of the positives, with a lots of prayers and cries from my heart to God. It had always been our way (approved by doctor) to let the obstruction clears off by itself which usually takes 3-5 days. And during these days, I will tube-feed him half an hourly or hourly, depending on his volume tolerance. The hardest part is to see him in pain. :(
Writing therapy
I just wanted to take some time off to think of other stuffs. One way of doing this is to write. Writing offload the heaviness from my chest. It was my habit since young. I wrote in my journey to offload thoughts to someone in the air. Later on, I found out I could pray to God and I wrote lesser. And then, I found Hive and started writing again.
Today's happening
I have one more tubefeeding to go before I rest at 12am, and also to let Jansen's system some time to rest. I pray that tomorrow, things will be better. It scared me earlier when he vomited a small amount of green bile. We were being reminded if he ever has projectile vomiting of a lot of green bile, immediately go to ER. I had my own trauma and anxiety to deal with, which caused me minor breathlessness. Thank God that I have found some self-help. Prayer works, coupled with deep breathing and mindful thinking of thankfulness.
Earlier in the morning, Jansen had pain for almost 2 hours. My heart grown from heaviness to agony. I cried inside, because if he saw me with tears, he would feel it more (his strength) and caused him to feel even more sad. I did not want that to happen, knowing he was already in so much pain, so I released my agony my holding on tight to something, a handkerchief nearby me to be exact. Husband knew I needed time to be away, so he asked me to have some time eating alone after my dentist appointment. After my 5-minute dentist appointment, I went to a shop nearby to have a bowl of Kuching Laksa and a cup of hot milk tea. I could not chill as much because I missed Jansen, wondering how was he. I ate as fast as I could to reach home fast.
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Aunt's food on Saturday
I did visit my Aunt on Saturday which I had yet to blog about it, so let's do it now. I went alone because Jansen already felt slightly stucked at his abdomen area. Aunt cooked two dishes today, yayyyy, I successfully convinced her to cook two types of dishes and not three dishes which could be tiring. She kept asking me whether was I sure those would be enough. I kept assuring her 100% confident that we had more than enough.
She cooked for us steamed minced pork with potatoes on top, and also mixed vegetables with chicken cubes. Such awesome healthy delicious meal.
There was another Saturday which she cooked for us big bunch of huge generous wontons soup made from minced pork and prawns. The soup was healthy soup boiled by using some Chinese herbs and red dates. Very mouth-watering soup and delicious wontons. Her exceptional Chinese fried rice was one of our favourite too. Whenever she cooked for us, she packed for us the remainder. Believe it or not, we always had more than enough till Sunday's dinner.
Giving thanks
I want to deliberately give thanks for today, for life around us, for people around us. For a roof to live in, for food on table, for the clothes we wear, for our 5 senses and proper limbs, for our health, for the air we breathe in. Giving thanks that I am alive and well. One of the parents in our CDH group had just lost her son to CDH. Jacob, thank you for the sweet memories you had given your family and us all in the CDH group. So I really give thanks for Jansen's life. Give thanks for your own life too ya. I give thanks for my Aunt's life — she is still going strong at 80 years old. ❤️❤️❤️ I love my photo with her at the swing during recent Chinese New Year.
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