I do not believe an individual is limited to one weak point but oftentimes there is this one which is more pronounced and which causes one to default most of the time. For me, it is my inability to speak when I'm not pleased with something.
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And no, I don't stammer when I speak, or have difficulty expressing myself. It's just that for some personal reasons, I do not say it when I am offended immediately instead, I prefer to endure the hurt until I eventually get over it.
Surprisingly, I observed that this happens more with people I respect or love deeply. Just imagine what it feels like to be upset yet withheld from expressing how you feel, that's what I have to go through over and over again.
I would keep quiet when I am offended instead and bear the hurt or anger in silence. If such a person continues to offend me, I will keep bearing it until I can no longer tolerate whatever is being done to me, then I would speak up.
What happens most of the time is that the effect of what the person had done must have reduced to its barest minimum by that time so what I'm complaining about will barely hold water. If care is not taken the person may even have forgotten that he or she did such a thing to me.
Other times when I react, it is an accumulation of all the angers that I have felt over time and if there is an external person who doesn't know the genesis of what has happened, their judgment for me is that I have overreacted.
It has been burdensome living like this. Most of my friends have asked me to tell them immediately they offend me but how can I? I am always scared that I would become a nag, or turn out to upset them for something that is not worth it. I expect them to overlook my offenses as well so I wouldn't want to point out their own every single time.
This weakness has prevented me from growing in so many ways. Till date I have not utterly learnt to speak up for myself. No matter the lessons given by the rest of my girls, or even my parents, I prefer to let an issue go without addressing it than stand up for myself.
On very rare occasions when the offense is too much for me to handle at that very moment, I have stood up to people but for that to happen I must have been extremely provoked. Another wonder is that I can easily stand up for others but I find it difficult to do so for myself and I have been completely unable to decipher why it turns out that way.
Another thing this weakness has prevented me from doing is making friends. Instead of widening my circle or opening my heart to other people, I prefer to stick with the girls I have clung to over time. This is why if any of them leave the friendship it hurts me more than a breakup. I believe that they are the ones who understand and can cope with me and starting up new friendships with other people, trying to know them and getting them to know me can just be unnecessarily stressful so instead I keep my distance.
It can be saddening to see that your friends have other people from other places that they connect with but it's just you and them. When they're not available, you are ultimately alone.
The worst part of living like this is that I prefer people to form their own opinion of me instead of explaining myself. If someone has a wrong notion of who I am and what I can do, or have done, I don't bother going to correct such an impression, “That's their business, they don't know me” I would say, but it's just because I cannot bring myself to defend myself before others.
This has left many people with a completely wrong impression of me and there is nothing I can do, or would do about it.
Recently, I have made a deal with myself to say whatever is upsetting me. I told my best girl after my birthday to forgive me if I begin to nag her but I was trying to see if I could overcome this ‘not being able to talk’ syndrome. I did that because I believe at my age, I should be able to speak up for myself, form reputable impressions about me, and make valuable connections.
This is just the first step in overcoming this weakness. Fingers crossed, I truly hope that by next year I would have an exciting report to give concerning it.
