July 14, 2023
Greetings, Ladies of Hive! This current topic gave me a trip down memory lane as I looked back to when I was a child. Memories that are still intact and cannot be forgotten over time. That includes fears and bad experiences that molded me into who I am today. My followers from the platform where I started probably knew my past experiences, and had read my life-related blogs.
@saffisara asked in LOH Contest 142:
What is that one childhood fear you have not told anyone yet?
Growing up in a home ruled by an iron fist, I had a lot of childhood fears and bad experiences. Having a father whose job is to protect the people, give commands, and strictly follow the rules, our house has always been a soldiers' field, not a home. And each time he was home from duty, it seemed like we were put on a leash with no freedom to do whatever we wanted as children, play and enjoy, for instance, because he only wanted us to study or do house chores. Anyone who disobeys his rules will receive a painful punishment. That was back in the day, when corporal punishment was still allowed.
Unfortunately, my brothers were stubborn and always ended up being whipped with his leash. And I was lucky to be a girl who received an exemption from his punishments. I was obedient anyway. His way of reprimanding us was never good but rather created damage emotionally, mentally, and physically. And as it continued over the years, fear and hatred against our own father were formed.
I still remember every time my brothers would sneak out to go to their peers. My father, with his leather belt and wooden broom, would wait for them at home, and the punishment would happen at night after dinner. He would beat them up until he was satisfied enough, or see their bodies with bruises or wounds. One night, he stabbed my brother's palm with a pen as he failed to answer the mathematical questions correctly. Blood oozed out from my brother's palm, which terrified me. I couldn't speak or show emotions in front of him. Those emotions were kept, and they formed more fear of him.
There were moments when my father was too mad, as if he had forgotten that my brothers were his children, not his soldiers. He would hang them upside down until they learned their lessons, and promised not to disobey his rules anymore. No one dares to reason out or fight back. Otherwise, my father's iron fist would land on their faces.
The house was always filled with cries when they were being punished. And as a sister who was seeing my brothers being beaten by our own father before my eyes, it was too difficult to absorb, and fear kept growing inside me alongside my hatred against him.
Nobody knew I hated him. Nobody knew I feared him. Not even my mother, although I felt like, we both feared and hated him. A child should feel safe and comfortable with her parents, but I felt uncomfortable when my father was at home. Even his loud and mad voice easily startled me. I feared his painful punishments, so I would always obey his rules and follow his orders.
Unfortunately, one day when I failed to go to school due to a transportation issue, I received the very first (glad it was the last) painful punishment from my father's iron fist. He took out the wooden stick and made a big lash at my back. It was too painful, and I never wanted to experience it again. I endured the pain, but I feared him more. Alongside were lessons learned. Gladly, it was the first and the last.
I carried this fear and hatred until I grew up. It only ended after a circumstance that almost broke our family apart. But I never thought it would be a blessing in disguise that could restore the harmonious relationship between us and our family. That was the most courageous and unregretful action I ever did in my life. After that event, he wasn't a monster I've known anymore, but someone who wanted to make up with his family and stand as a father.
Then my fear of him was gone. Indeed, it is true that to conquer fear, you have to face it. That's the only way to feel real freedom without any hatred toward anyone. This event happened just eight years ago, so the memories are still clear that I will carry until I get old alongside the lessons I learned from my past life experiences which molded me into who I am today.
So ladies, if you fear something, face it! And if you hate someone, don't let it consume your whole life. Learn to let go and forgive. Only then you will feel happy and free.
Thanks for stopping by.
(All photos are mine)
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