Sometimes we tend to underestimate the influence of our emotional state, and this is because we have no idea of how it impacts our general well-being. In 2007, there was this huge Marital crisis between my late parents and there was a huge decline in my general well-being and health, it affected how I looked and my emotional state. It took some mental readjustment, and getting a decent job working with good people that helped me out. Over 3 years I experienced a massive positive change in my emotional state and this affected the prognosis of life.
I have been in a depressive state, one scale I haven't tipped is that of suicide, and that is because no matter how life sucked, I loved it. I loved the ability to fight against all odds, coping with my health situation as a result of a strong mental resolve, it was fun to fight the poverty, the lack and want, the job scarcity, family dysfunctionality, and the endless sleepless nights on how to survive. The biggest blow I've ever had to face was losing my only sibling, from anger to pain, regret, panic, and fear, it's felt and still feels like being in an abyss with no way to survive.
While he wasn't really much of a support system, he was evidence of hope that life struggles eventually fade away with continuous perseverance. To be very honest, I've lost every hunger to fight. It's like being in the middle of the storm, but you just stop rowing not minding the impact of the Storm on the outcome of your journey. Having lost him, made life different, it became even harder to battle my health complications, the different diagnosis, and the anxiety I've been battling. A lot of people do not understand, that's why I don't try to explain.
The gravity of the loss, coupled with the endless battle I'm fighting with my health complications makes me wake up with heart palpitations in the middle of the night, the lack of hunger and desire to get out of bed, signals a huge dent in my life. Sometimes I wonder if the clinical manifestations of my heart problems aren't as a result of my many anxieties, or an expected outcome with my health situation. I cannot really tell. There are so many grey areas covering my health situation at the moment.
However, one thing I know is that heart palpitation is not something I've had before. One of the things I've lost recently is the excitement to wake up. Most times I struggle to sleep and finally get this job of sleeping, but I mostly wake up with a heavy heart, bemoaning my new reality and the toughness of experiencing this newfound health situation that I now need to manage at a cost or regret the consequences. A lot of people don't know the lonesomeness of life until they meet with tragic events, and one of the saddest things is waking up to the fact that these things are going to stay with you for a very long time.
Sometimes I watch my phone ring endlessly, and the strength to wear a fake smile or a fake countenance to the person on the other end of the receiver is not there. Faking a relaxed countenance is probably something I cannot do properly, but life.... People expect you to be strong irrespective of your battles, having no such strength to do is, is why I Mostly choose to break down in my closet and do the crying. These past few months, I realized how my strength has always come from a Divine reconditioning, and not from those I probably feel I get my source of inspiration from.
Pain makes you go back to the drawing board, especially when you're searching for relief. For me, I have accepted my present condition, the consequences and the damages it has done, the risks and the fear. But getting rid of the anxiety has been difficult. It's a testament to how life can suddenly change. Yet, I wake up every day with prayers in my soul, for one more chance to overcome my health situation and find another source of joy and the reason to keep going.
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