I had an extremely difficult therapy session yesterday that caused a lot of tears, heartache, and self-reflection. I discussed the way that I was bullied in Middle School by my so-called "best friends." I won't get into the nitty gritty here, I don't want to mentally work through that negativity again at this moment. Writing often helps me to organize my thoughts, and I need to process my emotions from yesterday's therapy session. I was incessantly bullied and harassed, sometimes physically, by my two "best friends" in middle school. The wounds that they gave me have left scars on my soul, distortions in the very image that I have of myself. It was a dark time in my life. I was just a child, totally bewildered by the fact that people that I loved so much could treat me so poorly. I thought that I must deserve it, and I began to bully myself, too.
I have come a long way since those bleak days. One of those girls reached out to me later on Facebook and sincerely apologized for the way that she treated me. I forgave her of course, that is my nature. I haven't been able to forget yet, though. We are grown and have children of our own now, children who are the same age as we were when we met on the Elementary School playground. I can only imagine the weight that she still carries, knowing now how horrible her actions were. That is her load to carry and I wish her peace and love.
Lately, my self-esteem has been suffering. I have been quite harsh on myself. Those old, familiar feelings of "I'm not good enough" are seeping into my thoughts, poisoning my mind. I gained a lot of weight after my mom died, which has enhanced my feelings of "worthlessness". The Bully that lives inside of my head whispers in my ear, telling me that I'm fat, I'm useless, I'm ugly. I will be going to Splinterfest in a few weeks, and I am utterly terrified that people will see me for the first time in real life and realize how ugly I really am. I stream on Twitch twice a week, and people have really only seen my face, and not up close. What will they think of me when they see my body, too? The Bully tells me that they will shun me, laugh at me, scorn me. The community that I have grown so close to, where I have made so many friends, I will lose it all.
This isn't the truth. The truth is that I have a power that the Bully doesn't. I have the power of kindness. I can show kindness to that Bully in my head, I can accept that it is there and thank it for caring about me enough to bring these concerns to my attention. I can embrace it, and invite it for tea. We all have a Bully inside of us, don't we? What if, instead of pushing it away, we turn towards it, showing it kindness and love? Self-love isn't just about loving the good parts of ourselves, it is also about loving the bad parts, and the Bully is a part of me. That doesn't mean accepting negativity and allowing myself to put myself down and feel miserable. It means changing the Bully into a Friend, a loving, caring Friend who raises concerns and shows me my true feelings and fears that shouldn't be repressed. If I look deep within, I think that I will find that my Bully is nothing more than a scared, lonely, hurt child. After all, hurt people hurt people, right?
Here is how I have been responding to my Bully:
"Yes, I am overweight, and I am working on fixing that. Thank you so much for caring about my health! Yes, I know I used to be skinny, but I have had five kids and I'm getting older, and my body has changed. That doesn't mean I'm worthless, it just means I need to focus on my health more."
"Yes, I definitely have a fear that I will be rejected by my online friends when they meet me in real life. Thank you for shedding light on those feelings so that I can explore why I feel like that. If they do shun me, they aren't people I want in my life anyways."
"I do have fears that I am not good enough, as a person, as a wife, and as a mother. Thank you for bringing those fears to my attention so that I can consider them and make adjustments if I need to."
"You may think I'm ugly, but my husband and kids don't! It is their opinion that matters most anyways. Besides, beauty isn't everything!"
"I am definitely not worthless, the way that I look does not define my worth."
Of course, its not always easy to respond this way. Oftentimes it is so much easier to just fall into the tar pit of self-loathing and sink into despair. That isn't what I want, though. I want to be vibrant, loving, beautiful on the inside, generous. I want to live this life to the fullest, and tell Depression to go kick rocks! There is a beautiful song by P!nk, who is an artist that I love dearly. The song is called "Perfect." My favorite line from that song has pulled me out of so much self-loathing, and I refer to it over and over. "Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead." So here I am, befriending my Bully, changing that voice with kindness.
