Lately, I have found myself reflecting a lot on self-confidence and how it all circles back to my own experiences. I am writing it down, so I emptied out my brain a little, and I could look back to this if I had an ounce of doubt about my self-confidence.
Look, this has been crazy journey and I made it, alive at least.
I grew up surrounded by people who think being overweight is some type of cardinal sin. But up until a certain point, I was never bullied of my weight because I was relatively an OK size, I wasn't too fat nor too thin.
But that high school was kind of evil on its own. They had this hall of fame awarded to the fattest kids in school. It's nothing to be proud of, and at the time, I happened to get into one of the nominees, but I didn't win (thankfully). I took it to heart, which then led me to a long life journey filled with yo-yo dieting, low self-esteem, and just dwindling confidence throughout my late teens to early 20s.
Interestingly, there was a point when I was considered okay in terms of BMI and weight. It lasted for more than 3 years until some horrible things happened and I resorted to food as comfort. The thing is, I was still a wounded kid who felt like living in a fat body. I didn't think I was worth anything; getting into great university and getting closer to my dream felt like something that was underserving.
On top of all that, life was just extremely clusterfuck. It's one problem to another.
But you could say that the turning point of all this was when Covid Hits. At the time, I became extremely fat and my mom was also shocked. I became something that I never thought it would be possible.
The strangest things happened when I was that fat. Those were the days when I had even more confidence.
Those were the days when weight was never on top of my mind. I simply didn’t care. Nobody has said anything about my weight, either. They wanted to hang out with me and value me as a person. Nobody has ever told me I look ugly, which was strange. Nobody has ever told me that I was fat as hell in front of my face, which was also strange.
Only after covid did I attempt to lose weight because I was afraid I wouldn’t fit in an airplane seat. It would hinder me from traveling and that’s when I got obsessed about my weight and lost all the confidence once again.
I managed to lose some weight, but it was just a half-hearted attempt, so it took longer just to lose a pound. Until then, it was like a constant pull and push from being confident to not being confident. Then, last year, something truly clicked.
Somehow, I can't stress this enough: Thailand was the best thing ever to my life. It's as if the universe was conspiring to give me the closure of my life's problem, the answer to what I have to do to get out of the hole I dug for myself.
The people I met there inspired me to realize that confidence isn't really about weight or appearance. There's so much more than meets the eye. I mean, think about fashion sense, makeup, personality, brain you name it.
It took a while though for that idea to sink in, it was something strange to me that people are allowed to be confidence even if they don't look like a catwalk model or conventially pretty. I started taking exercises more seriously again as well as evaluting the food choices that I made.
Then 2024 came and with so much has happened, death of family members and all that, I realized that life is a fleeting moment. Why not live it being comfortable in our skin?
I also started seeing more people again, having more confidence to meet the people I used to kow. I randomly go outside and I had people ask me if I have partner/not and want me to set up a blind date, I had little kids telling me I was looking good. My brain could never fathom any of these.
Somehow, I came into all this and became comfortable with my own skin when I started the 90-day challenge. The first two weeks were brutal. I did things outside my comfort zone, bawling my eyes out because working out is hard. I had to sit in with my mind and work through all the nasty negative talks I had in me.
I had the option to quit, but quitting was not an option for someone desperate enough to get out of the rock bottom.
While my confidence was nonexistent, I was willing to do something new. I didn’t care if someone called me ugly, a pig, whatever it was. Like at this point, nothing else mattered. All that mattered to me was figuring out how to get out of this rock bottom where my mind tells me to unalive myself now and then.
Long story short, a lot has happened, but this morning, out of nowhere, I tried on more dresses I had tucked away from four years ago. Guess what? They fit again.
It felt like a small but incredible happiness to me. Lately, I started trying on my older clothes since most of my current ones are a bit larger. So, instead of rushing to buy new ones, I'd rather wear something from my past that fits me.
The biggest lesson I want to share is the same if you have similar problems like I did: You're never too ugly, too fat, or too thin to pursue your dreams. Whatever makes your heart sing, do it. Be comfortable in your skin.
 | 𝘔𝘢𝘤 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘰𝘺𝘦𝘥 𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘫𝘢 & 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘶𝘳 . 𝘈 𝘵𝘺𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦, 𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴, 𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘯𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘰𝘱𝘩𝘺. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨, 𝘢 𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘭𝘦𝘥𝘨𝘦. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴, 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸𝘴, 𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘩 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴, 𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘺, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘱𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵. 𝘖𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘣𝘭𝘶𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘰𝘯, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘪𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺. 𝘚𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘤𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘪𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴. 𝘍𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘥𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘫𝘰𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯! 𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘶𝘱𝘷𝘰𝘵𝘦, 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬. 𝘈 𝘳𝘦-𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰𝘰. |