When anger creeps in, I am not the expressive type, I don't explode, I just go mute and walk away like nothing happened and trust me, it’s both a blessing and a curse.
I grew up in amidst people that will definitely provoke you and they would really want you to spark up, react , talk and all, but I’ve always been the odd one. I remember one time my elder brother and I had a serious disagreement over something as trivial as who left the gate open. He was standing and acting up in my face, voice raised, hands flying, trousers rolled, ready for war. I just looked at him, sighed, and walked inside. If silence could slap someone, that was it. He was fuming, and I was at peace until my mother got involved. That’s the thing, though, people think silence means you’re bottling things up, but personally, it’s just my way of not saying something I’d regret, cause I know myself better, no one can handle my anger.
I always admire people who express their anger immediately and move on. They argue, they shout, fight, abuse each other and minutes later, they’re back to laughing like nothing happened. Whereas, I’ll be in my room, replaying the scenarios in my head, creating the perfect response, and by then, the moment has passed, and I’m left with my unspoken words. It’s frustrating but I would rather walk away than get into a heated argument that might go south.
One unforgettable experience was during my school days. A friend of mine did something that really hurt me, he borrowed money and refused to pay back, then acted like I was disturbing him when I asked for it. I was boiling inside, he did not even message to bring up an excuse, instead of confronting him in a rude way, I did it respectfully, he still refuse to do the needful, I just withdrewed. No fights, no calls, just distance. Weeks passed, and he finally noticed my silence, called me up, and said, “So you just ignored me because of money, well I will pay you next week" I wanted to scream, but instead, I just smiled and said, “It’s fine don't bother about it anymore” It wasn’t fine, it was painful. But I knew myself better, if I had started talking, I will have said things that couldn’t be unsaid.
Being the “silent and walk away” type doesn’t mean I don’t feel hurt, it just means I process it differently. My brother told me sometimes last year after an heated issue and he reacted angrily, he said he knows my reaction would be worse than his, I just smiled. Some people often think silence is weakness, but I just see it as self-control. I know myself better, anger makes my words very sharp, and instead of regretting them later, I rather choose to hold them back. But maybe its not always the best approach, walking away sometime feels like swallowing hot pepper and pretending it’s sweet. Sometimes, people mistake silence for indifference when in reality, it’s just a battle between reacting and maintaining peace.
There are days I wish I could just be that person who lets it all out, pour out the frustration, argue it out, and move on. But I remember how words can never be unsaid, how they are like eggs if dropped cannot be packed together again and I tell myself maybe silence isn’t so bad after all. It’s not about fear, it’s about choosing battles wisely. Though a day might come when I will have to react and I won't be bothered by peoples reactions, as you know humans, they will be like," so he's a green snake under green grass, so he can talk, so he's been hiding his real self...well I don't mind.
Anyway we decide or we've always handled it, just be careful with it, anger is an emotion that needs management, what matters is not letting it control you. As for me, I probably will keep being mute and walk away…but don’t mistake that for weakness. I see, I feel, most times I just choose peace.
There are various entries organized by @leogrowth.
This post is in collaboration with @hivenaija community and an entry to day 11 of #februaryryinleo in #inleo,I am inviting you to also check it out,so as to partake in various interesting writing prompts.
Posted Using INLEO