trigger warning - Violence / Sex
I have a son.
This comes with a great deal of learning about the male perspective and experience, as well as some sharing of a female perspective and experience in return.
Open conversation is how we learn around here.
My boy's education on consent, thus, began at around the age of five.
Five
Initially the conversation on consent was motivated by his own safety.
And also with the end goal of growing him into his potential. A powerful, educated, conscious, gentle man. With a great sense of humour. Of course!
When he was five this discussion began while we were play fighting one day. It was explained, through play, that if someone said stop it was an immediate time out. No questions asked. Stop means stop. The end.
It was a simple lesson about personal autonomy over our own space and bodies.
I took this as far as to let him know he didn't have to hug family members. Or to kiss them hello if he chose not to.
Why we force children to do this when, more often than not, they're clearly uncomfortable is interesting. Especially when we know the dangers of a child feeling they are unable to say a firm no!
Forcing a child to hug someone they don't want to, is a lesson on how not to say no.
Six
The conversation was expanded, some years later, to the obviously necessary conversation about different parts of his body, the anatomical names for both genders and how babies are made.
After he'd asked a bit more.
This was when he was six years old.
Eleven
On we went to eleven years of age and his first cell phone.
We talk a lot, my son and I.
About pretty much everything.
I keep a really open dialogue going. I work hard on offering him a safe space to share. I also try to stay neutral, so as to not pass my own experiences on accidentally, when he asks questions.
He has, naturally, begun to ask more questions about sex and intimacy as he approaches his teens.
Since I have a daughter as well, who is almost twenty now, I'd already been informed of the new way of "getting to know each other", now happening before people have even actually met in person.
The sexting and d!ck pic craze.
This seems (after seeing some moms post in anguish, on mainstream social media, about really badly educated young men traumatizing their teenage daughters) mostly being punted by those with the d!cks to take pics of.
I was stunned
And it takes a f*ck ton to shock me, to be clear.
With my sense of adventure, and with the work I do, I've really just about seen and heard everything. So not much surprises or shocks me at all anymore.
My shock was more that this is the first experience of "intimacy" our teenagers are being exposed to. Straight into sexting. Straight into having the d!ck of a potential boyfriend exposed...
almost always unsolicited, of course.
And then an immediate demand (apparently) that the "favour" be returned... or apparently the, almost always, inevitable rejection for not submitting to the demand.
You either perform and play along, apparently... or the boys generally won't bother dating you.
That part (being rejected for not spreading your legs, or wide angle lens now) doesn't surprise or shock me at all.
It's the same old, same old - just in digital. And safe enough to not even have to be around for the consequences of said behaviour. The lowest of the low.
From the same old, same old mentality of some of the boys who, basically, are either being raised by misogynists or sexists. Or who have mommy issues themselves that clearly need resolving.
It's predictable and boring now. And it should be easy to blow off.
Excuse the pun. 😉
But the straight into the sex part?
Perhaps stunned is the wrong word.
Saddened.
That fits a bit more with the pity I feel for the youth missing out on first dates.
On holding hands for the first time. The anticipation as you feel the space lessening between the strangeness of a somebody new and intriguing. The pangs of uncertain yearning and joy of feelings, at last, being shared and reciprocated.
The dance of intimacy.
Love is supposed to be a beautiful thing.
And, sorry to burst your bubbles boys...
your d!cks just aren't that beautiful.
Unless we happen to love the person they're attached to. And then it's quite remarkable how beautiful they suddenly become.
Sadly... many of our girls may never get to see them any other way than "ugly" if this is their first glance.
Yes.
Saddens is the word.
Because I don't think some of you have had this explained to you properly.
Yet.
And I know that some of you have but do this anyway, because you want to hurt the girls you get hold of on purpose.
And that saddens me even more.
I talked to an experienced social worker about the youth and what was happening with regards to sexual activity some years ago. She claimed , back in 2015, that children as young as eleven years old were having full intercourse already.
Both vaginal and anal.
The kids of today are moving at lightening speeds and intimacy is no longer even a part of the experience. So I decided to educate my son on The Sex, as my daughter jokingly used to call it. And on intimacy.
And, of course, consent was a big part of this particular conversation as well.
Especially when he got his first cell phone after I'd heard, and read, about the very one-sided d!ck pic craze.
I shared about the times I was physically flashed at, on three different occasions.
I shared this so as to illustrate:
sending an unsolicited d!ck pick is exactly the same thing as (legally named and criminally liable) "indecent exposure".
They're about to make it properly criminal, by the way. "Cyber-flashing" they're calling it now. I don't know why we humans have to complicate things so much. 🙄
Flashing is flashing, no matter how you decide to do it.
I am stunned that criminalizing "cyber-flashing" is only happening in 2022.
But I guess that's government and beaurocrazy for you.
Still.. it is, or is almost, now illegal in whatever act in the U.K. I haven't checked the U.S.A, Canada or Australia, but they can't be too far behind.
Especially Canada and Australia, who seem to be quite proactive about protecting the special needs of women due to the ongoing "special needs" of some not so special men.
You should now have legal recourse to hold abusers criminally accountable, for sending you unsolicited pics of their clearly lonely d!cks. 👍
I say abusers because this is a form of violence.
That's a "no-brainer" if the behaviour is repeated despite negative feedback.
It is, however, up to victims to report crimes, withstand the possible social fallout (because... well... you know... we aren't quite there yet)...
and to grow the state and court (and usually community) education on this as well, in all likelihood. Not so fun when you've already been hurt and possibly traumatized. Especially if you're young and vulnerable.
And the real predators only target the vulnerable because they're still damaged, frightened children themselves in many ways. And are very cowardly because of this.
I don't think it'll be too difficult for normal people to understand though.
That this is violence and abuse (emotional and psychological).
My eleven year old was able to understand this, with his own reasoning, in just a few minutes.
But neither of us could really understand the motivation.
Huh?
Why on earth would someone "get off" on exposing their genitals without being asked to? And not even in an intimate situation?
Nope. We couldn't find a rational explanation no matter how hard we tried.
"But why?" he'd asked, very confused.
He also thought it very funny because it was such a bizarre thing to do.
From the mouths of babes, huh?
Which just shows you how desensitized we've become to really unacceptable, weird sh!t. And so fast and unconsciously.
And I, not having researched this particular perversion much (because I mostly just find it kinda pathetic and not at all threatening), could not give him an informed answer.
The most rational explanation I could come up with was pretty much the same reason someone would rape someone else. So, without going into the rape discussion (which we will have to have in a few more years), I said something like:
Maybe because they aren't able to have actual intimate relationships with real women up close, because they're afraid of them somehow.
Maybe they have a lot of anger and rage towards girls because of this. And I think people like this prefer to degrade other people and assume a position of power and control to feel "safe".
And they maybe even like to hurt other people, because this makes them feel less hurt themselves.
Something like this anyway.
Nobody has ever dared send me a d!ck pic.
Although, in my day, we generally met before we showed each other our genitals.
We even met more than once.
And the small bit of online dating I've tried has had a profile that exuded a "don't even try to f*ck with me 'cause I'm just about done" vibe...
so nobody would try and go down that road, I guess.
I have, however, wondered what a good response to such a thing might be.
- "Yes. I know you're a boy." (?)
- "I didn't know those came in extra small." (?)
- Or just a save to downloads, play busy and open a criminal case now, I suppose.
I wouldn't bother with it personally. I know they're either just ignorant or traumatized little boys. And bullies because of this. And you know what happens with a bully when you stand up to them, right?
They run away and find someone weaker to pick on. 👍
I might let them know that they probably won't have much luck with the approach. Just in case they really are only ignorant and don't know how women work very well.
Or if they became aggressive when I said no thanks and why not, I might consider reporting them to protect someone else who is less resilient.
If it were my daughter I would suggest she consider reporting it to the authorities of whatever.
100%.
This is what most professionals will suggest to victims of violence, in order for them to reclaim their power after being personally violated somehow. And it's a sound consideration if you don't want to walk through life possibly depressed and always afraid.
Criminal prosecution also creates awareness and prevents more people possibly being hurt.
Parents would be too scared to not educate their boys if court cases began to unfold. As would schools. And communities.
Reputation, and trust, is highly valued.
It's very hard to rebuild either of these...
and lawyers are f*cking expensive.
My heart
My son is almost twelve now.
He's an intellectual and emotional rocket scientist, this kid.
And it's not my doing, by the way. He follows some great Youtubers with incredible minds (Yes, I do check and I support the ones I like). His sister is one of the most educated people, socially and politically, that I know. And the ongoing conversation keeps us all on our toes.
He's pointed out my own gender-bias at times and we smile, I learn and on we go.
It took me a few days to remember how funny he also is, when he sent a message last week saying:
"here's some duck-pics".
He didn't even crack a smile.
Deadpan, I tell ya!
He asked me if I saw his "duck pics" when we caught up this weekend in person.
And then he did smile.
Or grinned actually!
And I smiled... but more like this.
Image source from Tenor
So, from the mouth and intellect of a someone who understands respect, violence, basic human rights, criminal behaviour, healthy relating, care and decency towards other human beings...
even if they are girls or especially if they are girls - but he loves his mama so...
at the ripe old age of twelve...
here are my son's "duck pics". *Proud mama! 😁
I was going to post them in the Feathered Friends Community but, since we're on an urban farm right now, I have some photos of magnificent cocks coming their way soon @hive-106444.
Solicited, (of course!) because that's what they have requested.
So until we post pics of our cocks... enjoy the ducks.
❤️
Used with his permission for this post.
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
