LOVE, ACCEPTANCE AND CHANGE

Yesterday, I watched an interesting clip of a couple in therapy. In the video, the woman was crying profusely while explaining to their therapist how unwilling and unyielding her husband was to her demands for change. In her words, "he refuses to change." I did not watch the entire episode, but here are a few things I was able to deduce from that short clip.

Before I go into the details of this post, I want to state that relationships of any kind are extremely complicated yet simple. This is primarily because of the human factor. A typical example is a great concept, but the human factor keeps getting in the way. This human factor can be as basic as miscommunication. I have found, from my own relationship and observing others, that many important things are lost due to poor or nonexistent communication.

In most relationships, important discussions only happen later into the union, and over time, those involved weaponise their unmet needs. I also find it extremely confusing when one or both parties in a relationship try to force change. That's not very considerate; that's not very respectful...

For instance, imagine getting married to someone who is very passive. In fact, that's one of the reasons you fell in love with that person. They were laid back and chill, never wanting to impose or encroach on other people. But all of a sudden, maybe two years down the line, you want that person to take a more active role in the relationship. Now that want grows into a demand, and for some strange reason, you don't understand why the person is so unyielding.

I understand, to a large extent, that relationships are dynamic and people's goals change within a relationship. It is up to those involved to either adapt or, unfortunately, break apart. But this is a possibility (no matter how painful) that people need to understand. However, whoever is demanding change should understand that they must change first, and the onus is on them to convince the other person to get with the program. As with everything in life, there should be incentives.

Wanting someone you love to change for reasons they do not understand or accept is a fool's game. It leads to resentment, which is a very dangerous thing in a relationship.

I do not know what that woman is or was going through in that relationship, but I don't believe she is going to get anything out of her husband, who is set in his ways. She is not wrong in wanting positive changes that would benefit their relationship, but until she is able to convince him that it is worth it, he will never change. She has two options: to walk away or accept him for who he is, and she would be right either way.

Acceptance is another form of love that most people tend not to talk about, mostly because people equate acceptance with settling. None of these things are bad per se, but in the world today, they have a negative connotation. People do not believe they can settle for anything less than their lofty dreams and be happy; people do not believe they can cohabit with others who are not perfect. It is either their way or no way at all.

I believe there is much one can gain in life when they are less rigid and more open-minded. This is how I approach most things in life, including my relationship, and by no means is this perfect or the right way to do things. Nevertheless, it has done me some good knowing I am an imperfect being loving another imperfect human in an imperfect world, and it is fine if things don't go my way. Cheers!