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This topic got me thinking deeply about a lot of things. Lately, I've been trying my best to not overthink stuff because they never get one anywhere,only increase the worry and anxiety. I have this almost 18 years old male I'm really close to and genuinely care for. We were talking some days back and he asked me a question. He asked me if I could remember a moment in my life when I was truly happy. I told him no, because I didn't want to go through the stress of digging memories that were a blur to me now,up. The moments I was genuinely happy were a blur,now my world was made up of fake laughs and smiles to avoid questioning about my well-being and how I'm holding up.
I feel relaxed and a sense of peace whenever I'm reading a novel,on my bed with the air conditioner on or a fan faced on my direction. I feel comfort when I'm eating and just randomly scrolling through my phone,when I'm asleep,when I'm watching a movie,cartoons or anime,when I'm with my sisters and my parents sometimes. I don't admit it or say it so much,but asides every normal thing I do,what makes me genuinely happy is being around my family.
I don't know but I've found it difficult to adapt to friendship,to adapt to the walls surrounding me in the university. I wonder how most people manage to juggle friendship with different people all at once. I struggle to keep just one moving,talk more of four or five others. I like the idea of being able to interact and relate a bit with my coursemates in class but whenever I'm around them,I just shut down. Like turn off completely with the only 'learn function' part of me still working. I get annoyed at the smiles I see on their faces and the laughter that comes off them and I'm just there,at a corner,waiting for the class to finish so I'd race back to my hostel. Sometimes, I wish I could be part of that. But since I'm not,the most immatured part of me decides to hate instead.
I love being happy. I want to be happy. I don't truly know what that feels like because life is a whirlwind of many different things, including wins and losses. I've been bombarded with the latter lately. Happiness is closing your eyelids and not imagining yourself falling off a cliff or drowning. Happiness is letting things be and sleeping peacefully. Happiness is smiling genuinely and not having to force and drop it immediately. Happiness is lacking the ability to control whatever joy you're feeling at the moment. Happiness and Joy has always has similar meanings. Joy is a sudden feeling, it's this huge emotion of excitement, laughter,success that happens or occurs at a moment and begins to dull down after a while. Joy is sudden, happiness isn't. Happiness is like the staying afloat in a large pool of water or the ocean and just staring above with nothing to worry about. Happiness is like the feeling of soft breeze across your cheek. Happiness is an almost constant feeling, just stirring within your chest.
I'm the eldest amongst my three sisters. I get genuinely happy when they're happy. Seeing them happy makes me happy. I like that. I aim to perseve that feeling within them. I love seeing my parents smile,laugh,I love seeing the joy in their eyes. It makes whatever I'm feeling go away cause they're there,right now,at this particular moment and I can just bask in their joy without a second feeling in the world. Honestly,at this point in my life,my family;my parents and siblings are the only ones that make me truly happy and glad to be part of those breathing.
It's different for all individuals. What brings happiness is probably unknown as it can hit us at any moment of our lives. I think it's part of living to chase that feeling. This feeling of utmost peace,comfort and serenity that seems to elude us, yet feels like home when we finally grasp it. It's a feeling that's hard to put into words, but it's the sense of being completely at peace with ourselves and the world around us. It's the feeling of being exactly where we're meant to be, surrounded by people who love and accept us for who we are. And even though life can be unpredictable and challenging, it's the pursuit of this feeling that makes it all worthwhile, Happiness.
