Growing up, I had low self-esteem where I'd critically think and analyze, then agree with those silent negative thoughts making me believe I wasn't good, and that affected me so much even up to my 20s and a few years until I fought it through, and yes, with God's help. I couldn't try out new things or go out to explore different things with people, and that took a whole lot in my life. I lost many opportunities due to this problem, which I also term as mental illness.
I battled with social anxiety and shyness for a very long time, and it took force to get me out of the house. I felt and thought I wasn't good enough or beautiful and was always shy being around people. To also shock you, I never summoned the courage enough to look into my Dad's eyes as I would always bow while my face would stare at the ground while he spoke to me. Some would say it's respect, but that was beyond it. I knew what I was fighting then.
Every time, I would see myself as an ugly girl around my friends because they were always beautiful, at least to me, and I allowed that to get into my head. I never saw myself as a beautiful girl, too, and that would make me lock myself indoors and always be afraid to step out. If you need to punish me, just send me on an errand to a public place. When I am sent to get something somewhere, it's either I walk with someone - one of my siblings, or I would plead with them to go on my behalf instead.
When I didn't have a choice but to step out especially when I needed to go to school or to my mom's shop, I knew all corners to get to where I was going because there weren't many people there unlike in a place where there were eyes all over you and it would be as if the ground should open and swallow me as my legs would wobble almost making me fall down.
Another thing then was being camera shy with the thought I was not good. My low self-esteem affected my personality, in this regard - my confidence. I wasn't confident enough to take pictures or even do a video with my family, and the worst of it all, to stand in public to speak.
But all of these came to an end one day when I decided to start training myself. Firstly, one of the strategies I used was acknowledging what prompted my low self-esteem, which was shyness, social anxiety, fear, and lack of confidence. I started to do the opposite.
Where I was too shy to walk around in public, I started going out and not through corners. Sincerely it wasn't easy at first, but with conscious effort and constant practice, I was able to walk confidently even without going with someone. I would intentionally go alone when I was sent on errands, and I was able to overcome the fear.
Where I was shy to face the camera, it took a long while to finally remove the thoughts that I wasn't beautiful and I saw myself as someone who was created wonderfully. I never cared or thought about what people said but only focused on myself, and I became good at sitting down comfortably in front of my camera to do videos and take pictures. I'd get nice compliments, which would always encourage me to do more.
I worked so much on my negative thoughts and was always replacing them with positive ones. Every time, I would speak confidently to myself, telling myself how amazing I am and that I am created in His image.
Today, I speak with confidence and boldness in public and it's not something I shy or run away from again. In fact, I am always excited when I'm being called to come give a speech, and I would. Sometimes, I still feel this small stage fright where my legs shake as soon as I get to the stage, but it isn't like before, and I had to face my fear and combat low self-esteem with the help of God.
This is my experience that I always share with people around me, especially those who have low self-esteem, believing that my story would motivate them.
One of the ways is to acknowledge what makes you think less of yourself, then confront it by doing what you are afraid of and when you are consistent and with lots of practice, you will start to delete those negative thoughts in you and see yourself more amazing and confident.
Then, when anyone told me that I did not look good or beautiful, I would believe it immediately and would make me feel sad as this thought made me feel like a lot was wrong with me but today, if anyone tells me, "you are looking beautiful," I'd tell them with a smile that, "Yes, I know that already." I don't need anyone to tell me I'm beautiful before I know that, and that helped me overcome low self-esteem and see myself with more value.
This post was inspired by the #inleo community and my entry for Day 2
Both images are mine
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