When I treat someone badly, it's a debt I must pay.
I have a huge debt on my shoulder. When I look back it sometimes feels like, what if I am never forgiven? What if I have to pay the debt in other ways?
Maybe it makes me seem like the worse person you have ever met. Whatever you think, I believe we all have a huge debt on our shoulders; some we know, some we never think about, some we don't approve of. But there must be at least someone out there who you have hurt, right?
I wish I could pay it all back now so my God wouldn't ask me about it later.
But life is not as simple as it sounds like. So now I'm calculating how can I get away with all this.
Some name it Karma or God's will. No matter what we name it, I believe, this is how life works. We have to pay back, in our own check. Maybe the similar way we will get hurt, lose; maybe not the same time but it will never let us go away without paying back. It sometimes made me feel uncomfortable thinking about my debt. But on the other hand, I feel good when I remember some people are suffering in other ways because they mistreated me.
However, you may have different thoughts on this and I respect that.
There are some everyday things, like some white lies, some rude/inappropriate behavior, some misjudjement that hurt me most. I didn't make anyone's life hell, or maybe, because people have different perspectives. I wish I could go back to them, make them realize why I do so. But that's impossible for many reasons. My ego, my earthly feeling may not let me do that in simpler ways.
So what now?
I pray, I pray for all of them that I hurt knowingly or unknowingly. But this never reduces the ache inside my heart. I pray to my God to forgive me. That also doesn't help to soothe my wound. I don't know, maybe later in life, I would get the chance to say sorry face to face. Or maybe I have to carry on with this feeling. Maybe that's my punishment or maybe I also have to pay back in other ways.
The sufferings I had gone through and have to in the future are enough for the payback. I wish that could be enough...
Am I Venting?
Probably.
Is there anything in this writing that can help you?
Yes.
Think about the debt you have. You don't have to believe my same belief. But I think this is pretty basic that life will never let us go away with debt. One way or another, we have to pay; with our own money, our health, mental wellness, and everything.
Think about it!
Have a good day, everyone.
