Am I living my best life?

Yesterday I thought I might be. My hair and heart were full of salt - I'd been oceanwise since before sun up, surfing for hours. Sometimes I just like to stand on my board out there and watch the water, the seaweed moving underneath, the gentle rolls of waves. Out on the headland waves break in rolls - I can see why they call a 'mexican wave' such as thing - it starts at one end of the rocks and lifts up and down, up and down, exploding in a rooster tail of white water alive in the sunlight. The moon sets over the cliffs some weeks - to see the moon set and sun rise at the same time is pretty darn special.

The photo above doesn't do it justice - it's a quick snap just before sun up, in between sets. But you get the idea. Sun, salt, clouds, waves. My little piece of heaven on earth. There's nowhere I feel such at ease, nowhere I feel so content. This moving meditation of paddling, taking off, water on my skin - it has a way of bringing me into my body that nothing else can.

Grabbing a soy latte on the way home, I'm buzzed. My sinus headache of the last three days, threatening to unravel me, is flushed away. Saltwater cure all in a world bottle. At home, I have a lot to do - it's Autumn, and harvest time. I'm grateful not to get any work this week - I don't want it, but we need an occasional few days to fill the coffers. But there's so many darn tomatoes coming out of the garden I'm swimming in them - pickled, stewed, baked, fried. And the apples! Goodness. I spend hours stewing the buggers.

But listening to tunes loud, with the warm breeze coming through, I think to myself, bloody hell, I feel content.

It doesn't - won't - last. I'm not a content person - I'm always looking to the next thing. Being an air sign, this makes sense - I live a lot in my head (the ocean grounds me) thinking of ideas - projects, travel. I long for adventure just to feed my brain. I think of Dad dying and me with maybe twenty good years left.

I've had a freaking awesome life and despite the few moments where I've done things I'm not proud of, I'm happy with the past, or happy enough. Part of me wishes I'd done more, been more adventurous, but I was always one to be tied a little by expectations, and then Jarrah came along and things got - different, though we still had so many crazy adventures after that. The future? Well, I don't know if I"m going to be happy staying here and filling jars with apples year after year.

I do meditation to cope with my brain and I understand life's ups and downs, the invitable waves, the eventual crashing on the shore of death and disippating into infinite space. With our thoughts we make our worlds. I can choose 'content', if I like. But it seems my nature keeps reverting to movement, change, other-than-this-ness.

And that's okay, because I get these lovely, warm, gooey feelings quite often these days, an utter satisfaction with where I am now, amongst the wishing and wantings and movement, and constant waves.

I actually had no idea which community to post this in! I wanted to respond to a post @galenkp wrote on being 'content', but it wasn't the Weekend - and I had no idea where else to put it! So, given I'm semi retired and have silver threads starting at my forehead, I thought - well, the silvers it is!

With Love,

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