Recently I've been finding myself at a crossroad again and again, and even though I know which path is more beneficial financially, for mental health, and even for maintaining my relationships; I have decided not to take the "correct path", not yet at least.
Because I am committed. I stick to a plan and idea, till the last breath, until the idea or entity itself turns to dust. However, I do realize that I have very little time now. I cannot take as much risk, nor can I "waste" as much time. As I am pushing 30 and have to play things a bit safer; with family responsibilities and the idea of "multiplying" soon, I can't play games anymore and my defeats now will mean the defeat of my family.
Next year I hit 30 and my marriage will hit half a decade, it's also been more than 5 years since I've quit hitting the gym and taking care of myself; all because I wanted to work as much as possible, just to secure my family's future.
However, I realize now, that I've taken up too many responsibilities in a short amount of time, and spread myself thin. I spent way too much time away from the things I love doing; the little things that make life worth living. Especially in these past two years or so.
All this time I've been playing a role and have been living a life that I dislike, or probably even detest...
"Depression is your avatar telling you it's tired of being the character that you are trying to play." - Jim Carrey
I've prioritized my "success" so much these past 4 to 5 years, focusing on getting my big break, that I've lost touch with who I am, and what truly makes me happy. These days every time I meet someone, a friend, relative, or acquaintance, they say that I don't look so good. And I'd have to agree. Because I surely don't feel as good as I once used to, and that shows in my physical appearance.
I guess I really haven't been myself lately...
The matter of working too much, and having to do things to earn, this idea came because I've never really experienced true success, and the fact that I'm getting older it feels as if I have very little time. I have this urge inside of me to prove to myself, and to my family, but with all the responsibilities piling up on me all at once, it feels heavy. Even though I put up with it and say that I can handle it, I guess I can't. I'm not as good of a juggler as I thought I was.
Life is a circus. Some are great acrobats, some know how to tame wild animals, some walk a tightrope, some breathe fire, and some are ringmasters. There is no one-man show! It's the whole group that makes the circus come to life.
That's what makes the world go round...
My problem is, that I'm trying to be a one-man show in a very limited time.
Yes, I do have my list of small victories and triumphs, I have my list of talents, but I cannot remember one true success in my educational or professional life. There has been development, I've gotten close many times, but I've always tripped just before the finish line, never reaching the success status.
So, now it's as if I compete with myself sometimes, and fight my own mind to do "what's right" instead of what feels right. Filling up my place with more than I can chew. One side of me wants to do it all, and one side wants to declutter.
Professional success is what I need, but the path or paths that I've chosen are draining me every day because of it. Personal happiness isn't about hobbies and time passing, but a matter of purposeful work; work that doesn't feel draining and relates to your whole ethos and purpose. But, work of this sort isn't enough to take care of my family's needs, nor is it as sustainable and developing as the businesses I'm invested in.
Now, it's a choice of doing what's right for my professional life or doing what feels right and meaningful.
Will I ever be able to balance both? I don't know. All I know is that my current routine and responsibilities are deteriorating my mental health, which is leading to worsening physical health. I don't know what's right, I don't know what I should do, but all I do know is that starting next year I'll be making some serious changes. Implementations that will both focus on success and happiness. I don't have to earn a million dollars a year, a sufficient amount to take care of our needs, and some free time to do the things that are meaningful to me; that to me is success and happiness, all in one.
