This is me just writing everything that comes to my head right now. Probably doesn’t even make sense.
Another day gone. Another day wasted. What did I achieve today? Nothing. As I lay on my bed right now, I’m thinking of all the things I could do better. But this happens quite a lot . From time to time, I feel lost and empty. Then I take my time to think about all the things that are going on well and those that are bad. Those I can do something about, I come up with a plan and try to come to terms with those I can’t do anything about. But for how long will I do this? Because just 2 days ago, I made these plans and I felt good. I was supposed to start working on them yesterday but I didn’t and today I’m back to square 1.
I’m thinking about my academics, I haven’t really studied since the semester started and at this point we have mid semester exams coming up. How am I going to cope? Will I be able to learn everything within a week? I doubt that. I know at the end of this overthinking, I will come up with a new plan again and promise myself to do better from tomorrow but what if I’m unable to?
My personal goals. I have so many of them and I’ve been sleeping on them lately. That’s all I do now: wake up, be on my phone all day, even in class, eat and sleep. The guilt won’t let me be. Sometimes I’m thinking, just one more day, I’m stressed enough already but for how long will I do this? Today is probably the third day my WhatsApp data has been off. I just put it on for a minute if I’m looking for a particular information or to see if there’s any updates on the class groups. The messages are piling up but it doesn’t even make a difference to me. I need to have certain discussions with people but I keep putting everything off. When someone confronts me about why I haven’t replied their messages, I act shocked, like I haven’t seen it . I recently told someone I was having issues with my WhatsApp and the person believed it. It’s still in my head as to why I would do that. So now aside deliberately ignoring people, I’ve started lying too. When the most important virtue to me is honesty, how can I start lying like this?
I was working on a project with some teammates since last year. They left the work to me cause I was the only one in the team that could do it and I was fine with that. I was really working so hard on it last year but I got distracted earlier this year and haven’t gone back to it since. Someone who was impressed with what I was doing a while ago asked how far I’ve come with the project and I said I’m still working on it. I’m lying again.
After class today, the team leader of that project asked me if there are any updates. I actually didn’t have anything to tell her and I lied again. I said I’ve been busy but I know I haven’t. I’m always in my room doing nothing and thinking about all the things I could be doing.
To top it all off, I don’t seem to be getting along with one of my favorite people anymore. This particular issue has drained everything out of me. I have tried everything I can possibly think of but it doesn’t seem to get any better. I’m afraid I might stop trying and eventually lose everything but I’m tired.
As I write, more things I should be doing are coming into my head. Maybe I should stop here and actually do something about it. Or I could just plug in my earpiece , turn off my data and call it a night .
