Personal Story With A Soundtrack

Last week I wrote one of my more difficult personal stories. It was about my good friend Patito and how I had to make a very tough decision.

I ended up using way too many words, and a couple of beautiful songs.

Personal Story With A Soundtrack - 𝑨𝒍𝒍 𝑫𝒐𝒈𝒔 𝑮𝒐 𝑻𝒐 𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒕 1 - Deciding To Let Him Go

Part Two

I don't like writing long stories, well I do but I always keep my audience in mind. I want to stay below 2K words to ensure people have time to read it.

This time I went overboard and used 2700 words. But Patito deserved every single one of them.

I think writing about him works therapeutically, and helps me to let him go.

I stopped at the point where I made the decision, and today I will continue where I left off.

The Last Days

The decision was made on a Friday and the vet would let me know by Monday evening when I would be able to come by.

During his last day, I made some recordings, and I will use those exact words to walk you through those days Dear Reader.

His Last Weekend

That last weekend was not easy.
I had no distraction from work and therefore more time to see my best friend.

He looked at me as if he knew, but also as if he was happy that I listened.
It's so hard to decide this for a being that can not communicate.

I took my time and on that last day I decided to record my thoughts.

The First Recording

It's like keeping a secret from your best friend, and you want to tell him. Because it's something big.

But you can't tell him. Not that you don't want to tell him, you truly can't tell him.

Even if you tell him.... he does not know.

He does not know that a few hours from now he's going to check out heaven and see if it's all that it's cranked up to be.

çOr that there is just nothing, no light, and no tunnel. And this life is all we have.

Patito, can you send me a postcard when you get there? I guess that will never happen.

Then I go and look back at the last 5 days

On Friday I took the decision, on Monday the vet confirmed he would come on Wednesday. Wednesday on a quarter past five. So this weekend I already started saying my goodbyes.

But when the vet called on Monday it changed, like there was still an option it would not happen. But now that is no longer the case.

So how to spend those last days? Would I make them special, pretend all is normal, would you be able to hide it from him?

Does he notice, does he know?

When he looks at me with those big eyes is he says 'I Know, I know what you are gonna do.' He is not growling he is not barking so maybe he agrees.

We probably never know, or at least till AI is able to talk to dogs and explain to him that he is gonna die. But would you want to explain to your dog that he is gonna die? I wouldn't.

Would he appreciate me making this decision for him?

I looked into making that decision prior to actually making it.

The best answer I got is ....the owner knows this intuitively and I have to agree that that is the only answer.
At least the best reasoning because you don't want it to get worse and you know it's not going to get better...so you look at the balance between good and bad days.

And then the question arises what if tomorrow everything gets really bad and it's Friday and the vet can not come till Monday?

I noticed many behavioral changes especially lately him becoming more hyper and anxious. Increasingly because he is not able to hold his stuff inside and panic when he can not get up

And other changes, like after years he all of a sudden did no longer want to sleep in the closed kitchen. He used to scratch that door when he heard me coming saying he wanted out, and this morning for the first time he was scratching the door to my bedroom saying he wanted in

I think he notices he is not himself anymore.

Next message:

I guess he still does know, he seems to behave as normal although I noticed some minor things that could be considered coincidence, or not.

At least these last couple of days were not too bad although him dropping a poo within 90 minutes of his last walk is a new record.

I noticed how he got nervous and I did not get it, because 90 minutes I did not see that coming.

I try to act as normal as possible, although he is getting lots of extra cookies. I had a full pack and nobody will eat them after today.

The decision sucked but the people around me have been awesome, so understanding that this is a tough decision to make.

And now the waiting has started, I woke up and did not want to get up, I did not want this day to start and on the other hand, I wanted this day to end as soon as possible. To get it over with so I can deal with it.

Because right now I am in limbo for quite a few hours knowing that everything we do today is for the last time. And I think when he looks at me he knows.

His best friend asked to give him an extra cookie and a big hug and I just did so, he must know something is wrong he normally never gets this many cookies and cuddles.

His original owner, my son, finally got back to me and we called. He is less upset than I am, for sure. But then again his dog has been living with me for the last 13 years. And he has been living wi

So maybe its my dog by now, he has been with me longer than any relationship, or that I had my son living with me....and five hours from now he is gonna be gone ....and that is okay.

He had the best life, he had friends, love, shelter, care, fun, and now he has five more hours.

3 hours to go

I am glad I can work today, if this was a day off what would I have done?
I am confident that this is the right step...sigh.

One more walk two hours from now, I would love to make it a long one. But I can't, he can not do a long one. But it probably gonna get rained on.

It would be nice if there was a bit of sun, a last little sunny walk,

I wonder if I keep doing walks to clear my head as I have done for all these years, will see.

It was always good to refresh my mind twice a day during work, I should keep doing that. I should.

One more walk, three more hours, and then 17 years.....

It makes me think about my parents, they might die soon, but at least I don't have to take that decision... at least not yet.

My mom had to for her mom, but at least she knew her mom's wishes.

If it's this hard for me now, I can not imagine making this decision for your parents.

The last walk

We did not get rained on, there was a bit of sun and I wanted to keep walking. But I don't think he would have made it back if I had kept walking.

So now we are walking back with some sun shining through the clouds, like we did so many times and it is almost impossible to imagine this is really the last walk.

Do animals get the concept of death like we do? Or does it just happen to them, and am I gonna let it happen to him?

çAnd on this last walk, he is doing what he always does, sniffing every square inch, head down nose to the ground. This is what I think kept him going these last months. This sniffing-up scents is where he gets his fun.

And I am not in a hurry, he can sniff all the way back.
And I have no clue what he just found. His sniffing has sniffed something out, something he can chew on.
And he feels victory because he always tries to deceive me making sure that I don't notice and then grabbing whatever he can get. A napkin, a bone, and he got something on his last walk.

I guess that makes it a happy last walk for him. A last walk in the sun on a cloudy rainy day. The last steps before we go back in are truly difficult as I am fully realizing that these are the last ones.

I don´t know if I will record another message....

5 hours

He has been gone for 5 hours and I was looking for him when I walked into the kitchen. You always had to watch out for not tripping over him as he was the champion of lying in all the wrong places.

I missed the after-dinner walk, I miss him. His nails ticking on the wooden floor before he decides where to lie down. But most of all I have this great sense of peace.

The feeling I made the right decision, it had to be done.

A sense of relief.
Sigh

He was the living thing that spent, spended most time with me in this life and it feels like I gave him peace. I feel this serenity, rest in peace

Thank goodness you made it till the end Pees, Love and I am out of here!

I call this one "Dog With Diaper"

You just read the latest chapter in my Personal Story With A Soundtrack series.

Some earlier Personal Stories:

All Art & Pics by MyI

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