LOH #160: I Now Understand Why He Did What He Did

wittyzell in #hive-124452 • last year

Visiting my grandfather in the province the last time I went back home

It's been 17 years since my grandfather who raised me and my role model left us. He and my grandmother were the one who took care of me when I was young and when they couldn't handle my bad attitude and bad grades anymore, they gave me back to my parents. I was silly back then, I would always write my last name the same as my grandfather. Even when he was the strictest, I was spoiled and loved that I wanted him to be my father instead. My grandparents lived in another province so I would visit them during my school breaks, not minding the whole day travel from Cebu, even when I would travel alone.

I was in my first year in college when he died. His kidney was failing and he was undergoing dialysis for months. During my school break, I was so happy because the entire family was there in grandparent's home, except for my father. My uncle and his family were also there. It was a nice school break time for me because of family. My brother and I went back to Cebu because our school break was over, and soon my uncle's family also went back to take care of their business and my cousins' school. My mother was left to tend to my grandmother who's bedridden.

It was November 2006 when I heard news about my grandfather trying to end his life. He drank gasoline, apparently he also had a rope prepared but he survived it all. My heart broke of this news but I had school so I couldn't go back.

One afternoon, he was sitting in his reclined chair and had his last breath. He never woke up anymore.

As I'm writing this my tears just wouldn't stop. It's been 17 years already, I've moved on but it still pains me that he left without seeing me graduate college nor getting treated by me from my salary. I tried thinking of what letter to write to him but I couldn't find the right words to say to him.

Back then, I would think of fighting for one's life for the sake of the people who'd be left. I didn't question my grandfather of his decisions about why he's trying to end his life with his own hands but I would wanted him to fight, if he could.

However over the years, maybe I've become matured, I think I understood why he wanted to end his life. He didn't want to be a burden to us, and he wanted to leave us with some inheritance. If he would continue his dialysis, that would just continue exhausting his bank account and when it's his time, there's nothing for us anymore. He was thinking of us that's why he let that happen. Or maybe he wanted to end the pain already.

I now understand why he did what he did.

Death is inevitable. It is beyond our control to prevent it from happening. What would you do if you were to learn that your death is imminent? Will you fight for your life to live longer for your loved ones? Or will you keep it not to be a burden to them, and just wait for your time? Explain why?

If this happens to me, I would probably choose what my grandfather did - but not trying to end my life with my own hands. I would wait, even when it would be too painful to do so. I would fight for my life but only until my time ends.

I didn't want to be a burden to anybody else, and I want to at least leave them with my savings. If I continue fighting for my life, there's no assurance that I would live long - this doesn’t mean I lose hope. I’m still hopeful but I don’t want to expect and get disappointed in the end. Besides my savings will just be going to the hospital bills. Hmm, I didn't really like hospitals and being sick.

I wouldn't be so sure if I would be sharing to them that my time is almost up. I really have this tendency to keep things to myself and just inform when it's almost time - I'm not so sure if I would be doing the same for my expiration day. Even if I tell them or not, I would still make fond memories with my loved ones and my friends that I could bring to the afterlife.

If I don't tell my loved ones about my condition, they would probably be sad when I leave, but I don't want to see them in pain and hurting just because they know that my time would be almost up. I want things to be still normal, even when it's not. I'm fine suffering on my own than sharing this burden to others.

I guess this is what I've learned after being independent and living away from my family..? I'm even sick now but my family back home don't know about it. I don't want them to worry about me. They have a lot of worries already and I don't want to add mine.

Thanks for reading!
See you around! じゃあ、またね！

With love,

^{All photos are taken using my phone unless stated otherwise.}

#death #life #memories #ladiesofhive #hiveph #wittydaily #thoughtfuldailypost #innerblocks #palnet #pob

last year in #hive-124452 by wittyzell

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demotry last year

get well soon po.

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wittyzell last year

Ty po.. I'm getting better naman na demo. ikaw ang mg get well soon.

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innerblocks last year

Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
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You have been curated by @thekittygirl on behalf of Inner Blocks: a community encouraging first hand content, and each individual living their best life. Come join the Inner Blocks Community , and check out @innerblocks! #lifehappening

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wittyzell last year

thank you!

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thekittygirl last year

This was a good post, very heartfelt and well-written. Blessings to you, sweetie. 💗

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wittyzell last year

Thank you kittygirl! I've read it again and can't help but be teary eyed again. I'll remain strong though.

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seki1 last year

Hmmm

He must have been a very considerate man to try to end it all to save y'all the trouble.

I doubt I would want to be a burden to anyone too.

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wittyzell last year

Yeah at first glance you would think he's a scary man but he is respected by many, very considerate.

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wongi last year

Your grandfather must have been a really patient, kind and loving man because not all grandparents would entertain stubborn grand children. Living must have been really hard for him considering the fact that he wanted to take his own life. I can't blame him because dialysis is a very painful,tedious and expensive process.

I'm so sorry you had to lose him before you could treat him.

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wittyzell last year

I couldn't blame him for trying to end his life, it must have been a very tough decision on his part. Dialysis is really hard - you get treated but not assured of extending your life. No more money after. Ugh

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lhes last year

If I were in that situation, I would chose not to burden anyone too. So, probably they will just received a news that I died but before that will make sure that everything is prepared. Even my burial.😁😜

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wittyzell last year

awwww that would be a very bad surprise to them @lhes and for sure they will have some regrets.

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ladiesofhive last year

!LADY

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elizabethbit last year

Thank you for sharing! Take care!

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wittyzell last year

Thank you too!

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elizabethbit last year

🤗💜

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appleeatingapple last year

rest ka po muna miss witzu 😢
Let’s make more core memories in jp soon 🤭

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wittyzell last year

Huhuhu iyacc nalang po tayo

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scion02b last year

I was with my uncle who was battling cancer. After almost a year battling through chemo, our frequent visit to the ER led our doctor into being straightforward to us. "Prepare for End of Life care". It may sound harsh to some, but it was realistic. Rather than giving false hopes to the patient and family.

Even in palliative care, it wasn't easy. While we knew his illness was terminal, we wouldn't know when he would exit this world, and how. Eventually the time came when we really need to define family's response to any situation. Knowing the patient's condition, doctors would often follow up on our stance: "Do not resuscitate", "Do not incubate", etc.

It has been clarified that these decisions do not fall under Euthanasia, or worse suicide. So in times of grave illness, rather than taking one's own life, best to instruct love ones on your preference once fate has been accepted.

I still thank the extra time he was able to extend his life with us. It's also extra time for the family to prepare for. It's better than any sudden death to be experienced in the family.

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wittyzell last year

Sometimes it's okay being straightforward than giving false hopes. Your uncle fought well, and good that he was able to gain extra time before he left. That extra time I'm sure you and the whole family made use of it.

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coolmidwestguy last year

It's hard to write about a past loved one. I did it over a year ago and at the time it was 33 years ago. I too had tears rolling down my face summering my father's life and passing.

I hate how medical aid drains one's bank account. Here nursing homes do just that, only Medicare takes over after it's basically drained. I completely get not being a burden to your family. I think most save to pass along to their families, I believe they are sad when medical expenses take that away.

The whole letting go of life or not has to be decided at some point. Maybe I would fight until everyone had the opportunity to see me and say there good byes. Worse case scenario would be leaving it up to the family if you lose your mental capacity. I had a cousin where my Uncle had to make that call because he was on life support. Thanks for sharing this hard part of your life. !HUG

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hug.bot last year

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wittyzell last year

It's as if we are saving money on our healthy years just to get drained by the medical bills later on in life. It's difficult. I thought nursing homes are free, like it's the government who pays.

Aahh life support.. that is a very tough decision on the people left behind. 🥺

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coolmidwestguy last year

Nursing homes only gets paid for once funds of the resident are used. The life support was a bad deal it was on a drug overdose, he was due to go rehab a week later. 😢

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wittyzell last year

That means the nursing homes will need to exhaust your bank accounts first. Ughh not really a good one.

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fantagira last year

So sorry to hear about your grandfather, who was like a father to you. Like you, I do understand why he would want to do such thing.

The medical care is really not working well in either of the countries. I had a meltdown earlier this year when I realised just as bad it all looks. Paying my mortgage for years just so I can afford the care home when I’m old is really quite gloomy outlook for the future. I don’t have children, but if I did, I’d feel very sad not being able to leave anything for them.

As for the second part.. I’m just like you. I don’t even tell my family back in Poland about my worries. They have enough of their own. Although I did cry my eyes out to them couple times this year. Sometimes it’s good to share 😉
!ALIVE

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wittyzell last year

That's also why I don't want to have children of my own. Just the thought of leaving them pains me. I don't know if I can provide for them enough so when I leave this world, they will be fine on their own. It's painful for the ones left behind, besides our worries.

At times I share my worries to them, only a little bit I guess, and only face to face which is so rare as I don't see them often. I think it's good that you can share it to them sometimes. Is Poland just near where you are now? Like you can go home easily? Accessible?

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fantagira last year

I understand this dear Witty. There was a time I wanted to have children, but then I got divorced and my new partner didn’t want children and I also left him after a few years and now it’s getting too late for children and I think it might be for the best.

Only very recently I started sharing my worries with my parents every now and again. Not everything, but in a way I think it brought us closer together. Poland is about 2h flight or 20h drive from me. I usually go once or twice a year. I will driving there in December for 3 weeks 😁
!LADY

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go-kyo last year

This is a very thought-provoking post. My grandfather passed away 5 years ago at the age of 97, he was almost blind and could only go back and forth between the bathroom and bed in his last years. Even so, he was always thinking about the family he left behind.

I myself, to be honest, don't like to think about death much and always avoid it. There are things I can control to avoid burdening my family, like not getting into debt, but what should I do if I get sick and have to undergo treatment for a long period of time... No, I still don't want to think about it.

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wittyzell last year

It's terrifying to think about it. I just started to think about it lately. At some point, you need to think about what's going to happen in the future. You need to prepare for your end, although it's really scary to think about it.

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