I was debating inside my mind whether I would write down these messy thoughts that were bothering me or not. But I decided to write it so that I could let them out and feel better, but there's still a little nervousness that I am feeling while typing this because I was afraid to be judged by the people who will read this shitpost of mine. But if anyone reads and understands, thank you.
There is this memory that I can never forget from my senior high school days.
Our adviser gave us a form where we would like to write what we would like to become or what course we will take after graduation. I couldn't write something or anything because I really don't know what dream I have since my condition is not the same as when I was a kid. I was staring blankly at the paper. I am unable to write anything. I started to throw away my dream when I was in fifth grade. I admire the people around me when I look at my classmates; they are thinking seriously, and some of them are finished in just a second. I observed them at that time, and I think it was easy for them to write their dreams on paper, and when they ask each other, they are happy to share them.
My mind was closed. All I thought about those past years of my life was negativity. I had this thought, "I don't have any reason to live," since all I have experienced is pain and suffering from people around me. I lived my 14 years of life alone in a plain and quiet room, not going out because I was afraid of people around me. I experienced a lot of trauma, especially from people who I thought were my ally, but it turns out they are also the reason why I didn't experience a lot of happiness and learning in life.
You know, sometimes there are things that I want to try and learn, but the first person who I thought would support me didn't have any trust in me. She always wants the things that she likes me to do—she decides and controls my life. I was living like a puppet. I also didn't study in the past years when I was earning crypto because she wanted me to help her save money for my sister. She also wants me to help her with my grandparents.
Because of that, I couldn't stop asking myself, "What's the point of dreaming?" What's the point of having a dream and ambition in life if I don't have anyone who supports me in the things that I want to do?
Many people think of me as an immature person without knowing that I have lived alone. I get used to being left behind. My family didn't even know anything about me. They let their kids enjoy the things that their kids want, while to me, it was always "no." My grandparents and my aunts always supported my cousins in achieving the dreams they wanted; some of them graduated thanks to my aunt, who sent them to college school, but how about me? All I always received when I wanted to impress them was comparison and seeing my imperfections. They are not proud of me because I am a PWD. Everything that I always do, everything that I wanted to do, I received judgment instead of support.
I did try to communicate with them. I did try to talk with them about my thoughts and how I felt after those years. But all I received was that they thought of me as getting crazy and dramatic. When I scolded them with their actions toward me in those past years to present, those were just nothing to them. Instead of saying sorry, they just gaslighted me with words. They said I should be grateful because they raised me. Should I thank them for raising me like this? I never dreamed of being born in this world full of pain. So I never thank God for the other life he always gives me every time it's my birthday. If you asked me if I was scared of death, no. I was always ready. I am always waiting for that day, and I hope it comes immediately.
I was thinking while sitting on my bed and typing these words. Looking around, my room is dark. I only have my pet with me—some people asked me why I have a lot of pets. I have 4 dogs, 3 cats, and 2 rabbits. They did not know that those pets gave me the love that I wanted to feel. They are the only loving creatures that I have. I don't have my mom, my dad, or my sister with me, and the people I was with gave me a stressful and depressing life. I was alone, but I am not sad because I have gotten used to it already.
The reason why I was pushed to write this blog is that, even though I don't like to become a dramatic person,. I was thinking if my life would be different if I were not a PWD—if I could hear well, just like when I was a kid. I was curious if my life would be better.
Can we go back to the year when I was in high school? I wonder if I focused on my studies. Am I also competing with the other students? Do I build strong self-confidence? Can I also like the music subject and have an interest in strumming the guitar? Or have the courage to sing in front of many people during break hours, just like the other group of students does. Did I also experience going on a field trip in Manila, just like what my older sister experienced? Maybe I also experienced how my grandparents and relatives feel so proud of me, just like they treat my younger cousin right now. I didn't experience being slapped using a book by my uncle or being slapped by my aunt. Right? My sister loved and took care of me during those times, right?
Can we go back to the year 2018? Maybe I can choose what course I will take. I can study at the school where I like to go. Hmm... I'm curious what course I wrote on that paper. Engineering? Architecture? Nursing? Or teacher? Whatever it is, I must have experienced the stressful life of being a student. Maybe my mindset has also matured. I probably also have friends who are with me through the ups and downs of college life, and I have experienced a lot in life. Maybe I also have a man who truly loves me.
Come to think of it, if only I were not a PWD and I experienced those, maybe now I am a graduate of the course I chose before. Maybe I'm looking for a job, or maybe I have a job like my friends now. I would be living today what other people are experiencing today.
To be honest, I am tired of living. Experiencing the same pain for how many years now makes me question my existence. Some people think that I don't love myself, but, you know, I did—I was alone for the past years, and those years, I tried my best to protect myself from depression. I did try to take my own life a lot of times using different kinds of things, but I always ended up saying, "No. Don't do that." Now, I was tired of loving myself. I feel like it's hard to love myself when it's like this every day. I'm tired of feeling disappointed—if other people are disappointed with me, I am more disappointed with myself. I don't even know where my life is going now that I'm turning 24 years old this year.
You know what hurts more? When you don't have people around you anymore. The person I want can't love me. I can't blame him because I don't know what to do in life either. He chose the right answer. He deserves better.
I want to follow the right path, but how can I do that if the people around me don't trust me? I want to try that; even though I'm like this, I can learn to stand on my own two feet. But how can I do that if my mom and my family look down on me?
My aunt, who's living abroad, even asked me if I wanted to marry a foreigner to live a better life so she could find a foreigner. Just like, wtf, right? I really hate to think that I am of no use to this family, so they will marry me to someone I don't even know just to be useful to them because they need money. It makes me mad that they have this mindset that they will get you married to a foreigner so that your family can get out of a hard life.
Am I really that useless and a failure in life? Ha-Ha
I want to laugh at these sh*t thoughts that are inside my mind. I can't do anything because this is the life that I have now. I can't take back the days that happened and parts of my past.
I'm still trying to fight. To live. Even though it's too hard for me to do. Thanks to the man whom I met here on Hive, because he gave me hope to live. He gave color to my dark world. He saved me when I felt like my soul was drowning. That little time he gave was the first time I felt like I was safe; I was being myself, and I felt loved, though it's just an illusion and delulu at least. I also felt how to love, and my heart is not a stone anymore.
Time check: 1:11 a.m. I don't know how I will end this. I just woke up from crying, or did I not? I choose not to remember. Typing these words right now with just a blank stare on the screen. I bet this action of mine again is immature. I can't help myself but to write what I truly feel, as I feel like no one will listen to my dramatic life because, as I said, I don't have anyone who can spare their precious time to listen to my rant in life.
Thanks to this community, though. I can have a place where I can voice my thoughts when time is very painful and you can't say what you feel in person. Did I feel better after I told you these? A little. There is still a heavy feeling, but I think sleeping is the best option, just like I usually do. Sleep and wake up again in the morning to feel a new pain again.
Anyway, this is all I can say. Thanks for giving your precious time to read this nonsense and dramatic blog of mine!
PUBLISHED BY: @xanreo
DATE: May 14, 2024
