I don't know how to start this blog of mine. I have thought about it for a long time to decide if I will write this or not, because I was so scared to know what other people think about it. I don't have the confidence to say it—to the people who knew and communicated with me virtually for a long time.
But, I guess, this is really my time to admit and show the real me. I am accepting my fate in this world, and I don't have the power to change the page of the book of my life that was given to me since it's already happened.
When I was a kid, I was born like you. I was born with a jolly and friendly personality. I can play with some other kids outside; I experienced what you experienced in your childhood too. I can travel with my family. I can take a vacation to my aunt's place. Many people in my hometown liked me. I can sing in the videoke with my cousins, and I can dance in front of many people during my elementary school days. I have a lot of friends in school, and I have my one and only childhood best friend. I am proud and brag about my achievements at school to my parents. I have those memories—everything that some normal kids experienced, I also have in my memories too.
But my life changed when I was in fifth grade. I suddenly couldn't understand what the people around me said. It's blurry, and I need the people around me to repeat what they say because I can't understand it. I can still hear sounds and their voices, but not their words—I even need to look at their lips (lip reading).
One day, my mom let me go to the clinic nearby to check my ears to see what happened. We visit different clinics around because my mom couldn't accept the result, but every doctor that we visited before said the same result but gave me some different ways and medicines to cure it. But nothing changed. There's no improvement.
That's right. My left ear couldn't hear very well. But unlike the other deaf people, they need sign language. As for me, I can still hear, but not clearly. The doctor said before that it's an ear infection caused by a drug overdose.
Every person around me was shocked after knowing it. They always asked me, "Why? What happened to you?" They were disappointed, and I couldn't even answer that because I didn't know either. At a young age, I am also disappointed in myself. There's a time that I wanted to give up my studies and couldn't go to school because I was ashamed to face everyone. But I am happy because I still have some friends who understand and accept me, and there are still some people who like me and motivate me to go on.
But the world is very evil. During high school, some new people are very harsh. I also experienced getting bullied, but I stand up and fight for what is right. I still have some mouth and hands; I can walk and think like them. At a very young age, despite being like this, I decided not to change because I am not the only person with this disability. Even though some of the teachers even sided with the other bullies and mocked me, I stood on my own to fight and say what I felt. Because I have rights too. How did I know? I still have some eyes, and I can still hear.
What makes me feel worse about being like this is that even my family bullied me, mocked me, and thought that they were highly. Everything that I can just respond to is a smile and standing brave in front of them because, like my mom said, "That's just a joke.". But deep inside, I cry on my own; I am taking my own life, not just twice but a lot of the time.
But I changed when my dad left us. There's no time that I always blame myself because of my parents divorce. If only I were not like this, right? Maybe my dad will never consider finding another woman and having a new kid with her. I always think that having a kid with a hearing disability is hard for him to take care of.
Everything that I have written down here since I started blogging has been real. Except for that, I kept this thing a secret because I was afraid of what other people thought about me. I experienced being in a relationship, and I was thankful that there are still some guys who like me and accept me. Maybe because I am not a completely disabled person and I can still live normally like other people do.
But they are wrong. Because I have this disability, I can't even enjoy my life. I can't go out like other people do. I don't even have any memories of going on the field trip with them. My parents always say "no." So, in the end, I always rebelled because I wanted to do the things I liked to experience too. I was still in denial during those times. I am in denial that I have a disability because it's hard to accept, especially since I was born normal before then. Just a second... My life became like this. I didn't even enjoy my childhood. It's too early for me to experience the hardships of life.
I was thankful to some people around me because they accepted me, still treated me like the same person they knew back when we were still in Grade 4, and helped me enjoy and experience the taste of high school life. But when we were in senior high school, that was the end of my happiness. As the realization hits me hard, we will go to the university. My paper was blank before, and I had already thrown away my dream when I was a kid. Until now, my life has been like this because I don't know what my dream is anymore.
I am thankful because I met a friend online who introduced me to the world of crypto-blogging. I can help my mom in a short period of time. Until we discovered this platform, I already gave up visiting a checkup and hospital to cure this disability because I lost hope, but to surprise me, I met someone who made me want to do a checkup again. I heard a beautiful voice during the webinar. I thought my hearing was clearly back. Hearing him, give me a chance and try again to go to the hospital so that I can cure it.
That's why I have been going back and forth to the hospital since last year. As I always blog here, my life crumbled when the doctor told me that my left ear couldn't hear anymore. As in 0 chance, and my right ear is almost at the low level. Thankfully, I can go check up right away. Because if not, there's a chance that my right ear will become like my left ear.
I still remember that time; I lost my words. I just stayed in my room after the check-up and looked in the mirror. The realization hits me that I can't bring back the time when I could still hear very well. If I just know that my life will be like this after, I should enjoy my mom's voice when she laughs, when she talks to me, when she's angry—everything. I should enjoy hearing my voice sing and the compliments of the people around me every time I go out. If only there's a rewind button, right? But I couldn't turn back those times anymore.
I couldn't accept it, and it's hard for me to accept that I need to have another ID. Even when I go to process my documents to pass so that I can have that PWD ID, it is hard for me to accept.
Having that ID makes me think that I am living a different life. I think and consider myself different and belong to the other world. But just like Demotry said,
I laughed so hard at his reaction after I told him everything. My secret. because that's also what I said to myself when I got the ID to make myself feel better.
You read it right. The first person I told about this was the person I liked. I admit it to him already after a lot of time of making decisions. All I can say is "Bahala na." Because I was afraid of his reaction, and after I told him everything from the beginning, just like I write down here on this blog, it's hard for me to confess everything because I like him. Come to think of it, I confessed and did some crazy things in the community without knowing the real me. I don't have a face anymore to show him because I am like this. But I was relieved when he still accepted me, which is why I cried for almost an hour because I was afraid that he would dislike me and say some things like what the other people told me behind my back. I have experienced a lot in 14 years.
Then the second one I told about this was Ayane Chan. Because unlike before, I have felt comfortable after communicating with her in Messenger. She always asked me what my illness was, and I think it's time for her to know it. Just like the feeling after telling the first person who knew about it, I was nervous. But... I am thankful that she understands it. I thought she would not communicate with me anymore. But instead, she told me this:
And the third person I told about this is Demotry. At first, I hesitated to tell it to him because I was shy and scared. I was shy because he was the person I always told about my rants and dramas in life. He helped me financially sometimes when I borrowed money to buy my medicine, even though he doesn't know what my illness is because I am afraid to say it to him. I am scared because I am afraid to lose another older brother or a friend.
But I am relieved because he doesn't care at all and he still communicates with me, just as he communicates with me every day.
After those confessions, I called my mom, crying. I told her that I had found some new nice people who accepted me, and I even told her about the Hiveph meet-up this coming April 2024. I told her that I wanted to go there and meet some new people and challenge myself to see if I could face a new world after not meeting other people and just staying in my room for how many years? She told me that I can go if I have a companion, so I invited my sister's boyfriend to accompany me since I don't know how to travel alone to Manila since it's my first time going there. But I will wait for her final decision because April 27 is my grandmother's birthday too. I just hope that she will allow me because I really like to meet the people with whom I have communicated for a year now. And explore and experience new things for the first time.
As of now, I am wearing my hearing aid. We bought one hearing aid because, according to my doctor, I need to wear hearing aids to cure my tinnitus. Yes, if you think that hearing loss is just hearing loss, you're wrong. Every second, every hour, and every day was the hell of my life because I heard a sound that made me curse a lot, and I banged the back of my head on the wall because it didn't stop. Especially at times when I am sleeping, but I woke up because, out of nowhere, I heard a sound that I hate to hear.
There was a time that I wanted to communicate with the other people during the Friday night event, but I was mad at myself because I couldn't understand what the other people were talking about. I can hear their voices, but the words are not clear. I can't use my headphones because I was prohibited from using them. That's why I skipped a lot of Friday night events, even though I missed hearing his voice. All I could do was cry, cry, and cry. Because I am not the same as them anymore. If only I were not like this, right? I can do what the other does. And enjoy communicating with different people around the world.
So, even though it's still hard for me to accept that I am a PWD now and that I live in a different world than yours, I am trying to live normally. When it was the first time that I wore my hearing aid, I was happy because I could finally hear the sounds around me clearly, just like I could when I was a kid. My mom's voice is still the same, and I can finally hear what she always says in a low tone. I can finally hear my voice again, and when I sing, it's different from when I was a kid, but still, I can enjoy singing again and go with the flow with some songs I played the most.
Ah, I remember when I was in the mall after getting my hearing aid. I'm not used to it when I hear a lot of voices inside the mall while wearing my hearing aid. Back then, I thought my surroundings were just normally low-toned, but when I wear my hearing aid, my godness! It hurts my ear because I never thought the world was that noisy. I was used to quiet surroundings. And even though I am wearing my hearing aid, there are no people who judge me, look down on me, and bully me, just like I have experienced for the past 14 years.
I have been wearing my hearing aid for a month now, and I am getting used to wearing it.
I am also confident enough to show it when I go out, and I don't mind what other people say about me because my mom worked hard for this and did a lot just so I could hear well again.
As of now, I finally have things to do for my future since I can hear well using my hearing aid. I couldn't tell my plans and keep them secret because it's a curse when you tell your plans to other people. Haha, having a disability at my age, I think I shouldn't be ashamed anymore. I couldn't do anything about it. All I can do is stay strong, live, and think that I am not the only one who has this condition.
As long as I still have my eyes, arms, and feet. I can talk; I know how to speak; there's nothing I can be scared about.
If you are reading this until the end of my blog, I just wanted to tell you to never give up on your life because you are still blessed to have your body complete. You should never say that your life is hard because, as a PWD person, our life is harder than yours.
To everyone who I knew for a year virtually, I am sorry if I hide this condition of mine. Everything that happened that I wrote down in the past up until now was real, and this is the only thing that I hide from you because I was scared to be judged, and even I was still in denial, and it's hard for me to accept my future. I'm sorry, and thank you for the people who can understand.
To the boys who I have had feelings for in the past years that I communicated with you, I'm sorry if you are disappointed because a girl like me liked you. I think I need to say sorry because I am ashamed and feel shy, and I don't have a face to face you anymore. I accept that a girl like me doesn't deserve to have a boyfriend, a husband, or children because of this. Thank you for being able to experience being in love. Thank you for this experience.
This is all I can say. Now that you know about me—the real me— I know that some of you might not want to talk with me anymore. But I am still hoping to have some more friends accept me for who I am.
Thanks for Reading!
PUBLISHED BY: @xanreo
DATE: March 22, 2024
