As a recovering people-pleaser, the week’s prompt definitely struck a nerve deep within me. And as much as I would love to help with the points I’m about to enlist, I would like to say that these points apply to me as much as they do to you.
I have always struggled with setting boundaries and letting people know when they have crossed the line. This is mostly because I am not a confrontational person; I mean, it’s usually easier to avoid conflict than to address it. But running away from a problem does not solve it; it only prolongs it.
Over the years, as I’ve grown, I have learned gradually how to speak up for myself and mention when things aren’t going well for me.
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I used to always think that if I spoke up, it would mean that I was being a difficult person, and I would actually believe that I was being bad by saying something. But I have come to realize that it is okay to be the villain when necessary.
Here are three points that can quickly help you recognize when it’s necessary to put up a boundary and say no:
When it impedes your plans;
I used to have this problem with a friend of mine. For some weird reason, she always expected people to make way for her and her plans. She was fond of asking for favors and expecting you to drop everything at hand for her.
Inevitably, it caused a rift in our friendship, and I decided that my self respect was more important than what she thought of me.
When it Enables Dependence;
When someone constantly comes to you whenever they are in need, and without failing you help them each time, then it’s really a no-brainer as to why they continue to come back to you. I mean, it would be easier to outsource things to you than to do it themselves.
When I newly resumed work, my one coworker would always ask me to help her do some things that she clearly could do herself. I initially said yes because I was really pleased to be of assistance, but then I noticed she began to exploit it.
She would begin to send me on errands I had no business going on. It went on until I finally started to tell her no. She got the memo on the third request and stopped it right away.
When it is not your job
In the famous words of Stewie from the animated TV show Family Guy,
“A person’s lack of adequate planning should not constitute an emergency for you.”
This implies that, no matter how serious the situation, everyone has accountability in the end, and nobody should make you feel forced to perform tasks for which you weren't originally responsible.
I’ll close with this little story. When I resumed duty in my newly assigned ward at the hospital, I was placed to work with this nurse. Of course she is a senior colleague, as I’m still an intern. So on our first encounter, she begged me to go help her buy food, which required me to leave the hospital building.
That was quite a hassle on its own. I thought about it for a while, then proceeded to agree, stating that I actually intended to buy some water for myself as well, so why not? She then turned to me and asked
“So if you didn’t have to buy water for yourself, you wouldn’t go?”
To which I replied, “No, I wouldn't," unapologetically. She then said, “You would still go," and made a face that depicted she was calling my bluff.
I chose to remain silent, as I didn’t feel it needed a reply. The reply would come on the day she asks me to do something that I can’t, and I tell her no.
Do not let yourself be taken advantage of!
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