What the flaming fling-flang?
I heard the front door open and then close softly. Instantly I was suspicious. No one in this house opened doors softly. Everyone charged through them usually shouting and yelling. Sometimes crying.
It was obviously a burglar. Perhaps one of the cat variety.
Not on my fucking watch.
I muttered grimly as I rose from my chair. My hand scooped up one of the many weapons secreted about the house as all Glaswegians have for these very moments.
It was a pickaxe handle, polished by years of smacking off people's skulls.
That would do.
I panther walked toward the living room door. It's like normal walking but with a more sexy ninja motif. Somewhere in the world, a woman fell pregnant. The living room door started to open and I cocked my pickaxe handle back, ready to deliver someone into the next realm. Hi baby! The door swung open fully and the Good Lady wafted in, a smile on her face and a spring in her step. She looked so happy I could almost see her flaps clapping like uncooked bacon hanging on a washing line. Oh my, are you fighting the imaginary burglars again? She chortled as she breezed past me and my pickaxe handle. Um, no, I was just holding it up to the light to... erm... anyway... How was your thing? Carefully, I set the pickaxe handle down, attempting to look casual as if I often walked about the house with a menacing bit of wood in my hands. It was amazing. Honestly, it was so relaxing. So good. I feel really zen. She laughed, not a laugh of embarrassment for sounding like a deranged hippy but a laugh of genuine amusement at the world and its follies. She had been to a Welllness morning. Something her work sent her on. I had thought she was mental for going to something workish on a Saturday but it looked like I was in the wrong. She practically shone with vitality and energy. That's awesome, darling. It really seems to have suited you. So what did you do as part of all this wellness malarkey? I was genuinely interested. An open mind is a healthy mind as they say. It was mostly mindfulness exercises. Her voice took on a dreamy quality. Teaching us to be in the moment and to live right now in that present moment. Hold on to it and think not of what was but what is. She sighed happily, her eyes glazing over like a hippy hugging a sheep. If you find your mind wandering bring it back by focusing on your breathing. The Good Lady's voice sunk low into a hypnotic drone. There was music. A man had a guitar. She opened her eyes slightly and sighed happily again. Wait a minute? A man had a guitar? What the fuck was this, a sexy party? Sounds a bit woo woo to me. I growled disapprovingly. The Good Lady jerked out of her dream state to lock me with a stern stare. Hey. It's not all woo woo, there is actual science behind it!?! She snapped snippishly. I felt a smirk pull at the corners of my mouth. I beg your pardon? I held in the laughter that was threatening to burst out of me like a Chinese dam. There is actual science behind it. The Good Lady muttered in a very non zen way. I couldn't help it. The laughter burst forth and I slipped off my chair onto the floor. You're being mean. She pouted. I looked up from where I was pissing myself gently with laughter. No, I'm not. I'm just being mindful.
I wouldn't be so churlish to say it was a direct result of the sexy panther walk but it was.
Now now, minds out of the gutter.
