Guys, can you come to my office please?
I shook my head as I read the Teams message that had popped up on my screen.
Fucking El-Jefe. He had become insufferable lately. Despite the ravaging of redundancies tearing through my workplace, the Heffalump had somehow managed to score not only a promotion but also an office to himself.
Which in a mostly open-plan office was like sticking your hand up a cat's arse and pulling out an origami swan.
Fat fucking spunk biscuit
I mumbled grumpily to myself as I pulled myself up and along to his new office.
It was near the toilets which was the only plus point. Every day a Manager, Shitty the Brick went in and dropped a giant log that stank of boiled eggs and Cheerios for half an hour.
It made me smile to think of El Jefe having to gulp that in every day.
Sup Boss-man.
I sashayed in and perched against an old-fashioned filing cabinet no doubt filled with some poor Granny's bras and wet wipes.
Shitty the Brick slouched in too, he looked tired. Most likely he hadn't been in to drop his half-tonne shit yet and the effort of heaving it around in his lower bowel was exhausting him.
She-Bass trooped in after us and managed to sit on the skinny tower fan that was used to ward off the smog from Shitty's morning ablutions.
She was a right skinny thing and I hoped that the material of her skirt was strong enough that it wouldn't tear, resulting in her impaling herself on the tower fan.
I could almost see it now, it switching on and her whirring through the air like some weird Chinese drone purchased from Temu.
Boomy, are you with us?
El-Jefe snapped me out of my reverie.
He looked a right mess today, his little eyes rested in his puffy face like angry raisins in an unbaked cake.
Yes boss, I was just thinking about productivity.
I lied with great panache like a cigarette advert from the fifties.
Mmmm, right. Well. I will get straight to it. Someone has stolen something from my office.
He held our gazes for a moment before continuing.
You know that bottle of whisky that I kept in the locker beside my desk?
He waved to a nearby locker which no doubt held many unsavoury items not all of which could be eaten.
It was in there and it's gone.
He growled and stabbed a finger that looked like a baked potato at us.
Wait, are you accusing us?
She-Bass sputtered indignantly like the fish she was famously named for.
No. No, I am not.
El-Jefe got to his feet which was like watching a Walrus try to drive a golf cart.
He looked at us all in turn.
I need you to find out who it was. Who had the opportunity? Who knew it was there? Who had... the motive?
He rhymed off the questions like a lard burrito impersonating Sherlock Holmes.
That new analyst guy, Arthur, he looks like a sneaky bastard. It could be him?
Shitty the Brick mumbled, looking furtive as if he had been rumbled as the toilet smog monster.
I don't want random accusations. I want facts. Although granted, he does look like a sneaky bastard. Just get out there and start asking questions.
El-Jefe shook all over as if he had just got out of a bath and discovered he was a shaggy dog.
Was it unopened?
I piped up because I felt that I had been largely absent from my story so far.
No, it had been opened. There was about half a bottle left.
El-Jefe volunteered before clamping his mouth shut and looking shifty.
Why would you have a bottle of whisky in work that had been opened?
I asked innocently as if we were all great pals in this adventure we call life.
El-Jefe's eyes flashed like diamonds made from compressed sperms.
Just go out there and ask around. I want to know who the Whisky Thief is.
El-Jefe made a shooing motion with his hand to dismiss us.
Shitty and She-Bass trailed out looking confused as to whether their roles had been upgraded from IT professionals to cut-rate Private Eyes.
I lingered a moment and smiled at El-Jefe
Boss-man, are you ok?
I raised an eyebrow as if it were my turn to be Sherlock Holmes but one who was eight stone lighter.
Just go find the thief.
El-Jefe face sagged more than it already did by dint of gravity, his jowls trembled slightly.
I shook my head. Not ok then.
Oh well, time to find a thief!
