This has to stop.

The Good Lady towered above me, her mouth set in a grim line as she looked me up and down with contempt in her eyes.

I know, I am sorry. I can't believe I did it again.

I let out a half sob of pain and self-pity like an Elk that has drank too much fizzy wine.

No matter how I tried to square it, I had let us down. Despite my best efforts and all my trying over the years, once again I had transgressed. The Good Lady was shaking her head back and forth at me as if she were a dog trying to free a beef scarf from a washing basket.

I croaked out a noise somewhere between that of a badger and the deflating stomach of a corpse.

Sorry. I know I am a dick. I should know better.

I raised a hand to my eyes to wipe away the stinging hot tears of shame that were bundling out from my eyes like wet paratroopers from the bay doors of a plane at 30,000 feet.

Aaaaggghhhh.

I moaned out loud and writhed piteously on the bed.

Look at you?! I mean look at the nick of you. For God's sake, when will you learn? When will you wear protection?

The Good Lady was now raising her voice.

Even in my raddled sorry state, I knew this could be a bad sign.

I mean, I got it. She was sick of me repeating the same old mistakes time and time again, of our life being punctuated by my unprotected actions and then the inevitable consequences not just for me but sometimes for her too.

I mean if you really don't like wearing gloves so much when you are chopping super hot chillies can you at least make the effort not to touch your eyes or your bloody penis afterwards? Come on, what is it with you and the penis touching? How many times a day do you feel the need to be bloody manhandling the damn thing?

She tutted as she blasphemed mannity itself.

Hey, I have to touch it when I do the toilet. That's pretty much the reason. You know, to get it out as it were? I am not running about all day waggling it at the walls for the lols!?

I managed even through the current pain in my eyes and penis to throw her a huffy pout.

It's not the same when you are wearing gloves. You don't get the same sensations.

I added petulantly. _{^{It’s true, you can't feel a thing. And that goes for chopping chillies too :OD}}

Through my narrowed watery eyes I could see her shake her head even more.

Well if you won't wear gloves it serves you right. And keep your wandering hands away from my jiggity bits.

She stomped out huffing something vague and demeaning about men, their eyes and their penises.

I flumped back on the bed, my eyes were beginning to throb a little less and my pork truncheon felt a little less burny. I sniffed hoping it would end soon.

One day I will learn.

One day.