There’s a certain magic to these words. The doctor will see you now. The emphasis being on “see you”. Somebody will see you. There are many people who will go to the doctor just for this. Of course, in their mind they have a legitimate concern for seeking medical attention, but the real reason is that they need someone to acknowledge them and offer a minimum of compassion. Once you’re in a doctor’s office you get the feeling that your life matters to someone, the feeling that you matter. (I guess this is one of the reasons the whole Covid thing worked so well. Suddenly, even the unhappiest of people were told their lives matter and are worth protecting at any cost.)
I’m not talking about people suffering from Munchausen syndrome, whose underlying motivation in faking illness is getting sympathy and attention. I’m talking about normal people, just like you and me, who develop a habit of going to the doctor for more or less imaginary problems. In most cases, we’re talking about psychosomatic conditions which would need a visit to a therapist rather than a regular physician.
A few days ago, a friend of mine sent me some cool pictures of the public library in Boston. As she lives some two-hours outside of Boston I asked what was the occasion for the visit. The answer that came back should not have been a surprise - “I had two doctor’s appointments and we thought to kill some time at the library”. I do try to show support whenever I can, but when it comes to medical appointments I’ve given up. Every month there are other doctors and other problems that need attention, and I'm talking about overall healthy people.
I really cannot understand people who spend their lives seeing doctors, having a complete blood work for no particular reason or undergoing various tests, some of them quite costly. There is no contradicting such people or, God forbid, questioning this constant need for medical attention. The only thing you can say is “I’m so sorry to hear that”, particularly when they describe to you the side-effects of certain meds they “must” take.
Why is it that some people will even go to the dentist and endure horrendous procedures just to get attention? Do such people lack meaningful relationships in their lives? Not necessarily. My friend near Boston is happily married and has three children. Or at least that’s how she would present herself to the world. My theory is that what such people lack is a meaningful relationship with themselves, with their psyche. If you feel nobody sees you it’s because you are not in touch with yourself and do not acknowledge your inner needs. You don't see yourself, you don’t value yourself enough, therefore you’ll look for someone to give you the consideration that’s missing in your life.
The other day I was talking to a friend who was complaining she felt exhausted by the home renovation project she’s involved in. I was going to suggest she should make the most of the weekend, rest, relax, etc. Then I realized there’s no point in doing that. Not her style. I wasn’t surprised when she told me last night she went to the dentist and is starting a complex treatment. That’s her idea of making time for herself and putting her needs first. Costly, painful, and probably unnecessary.
What these people lack is what psychologists refer to as a healthy self-regulating system. Most of us know how to self-regulate. After a long day at work, one can acknowledge their needs with some me time of their choosing. Some would favor a long hot bath, others would curl up in bed with a good book or listen to their favorite artist. For instance, I have a friend who’s fortunate enough to live close to the beach and she goes for a walk and a little unwind as often as possible. Not surprisingly, she doesn’t seem to be plagued by illnesses.
Unfortunately, for many people taking some me time is not an option. Once you allow yourself to feel good and do something you enjoy, for a change, it’s hard to play the victim and elicit whatever pity you can get. Even if you have friends like me who are tired of this game and won’t extend the compassion you’re looking for, you can still wallow in self-pity. Best of all, you don’t have to confront your real problems, like getting old, wondering what to do with the rest of your life once you’ve quit your job or your children are leaving home, or asking yourself what would give meaning to your life. These are hard questions and you might not like the answer. Why go there? It’s so much easier to focus on that ache in your wrist. You should definitely see a doctor about that, have some X-rays at least and wear a fancy support brace for a couple of weeks. Until you forget about the wrist and schedule an appointment with a heart specialist. (I’m not even making this up!)