Hey, mate. Is that a guitar amp?
A voice floated over to me from a car two parking bays along.
I pulled my head out of the car boot and looked to see who fucking dared speak to me on a Sunday morning. My hangovers do not suffer fools gladly.
It was a skinny twot with ridiculously spiky white hair. He looked a bit like Billy Idol would have if you punched him in the face and set him on fire a bit.
Is it?
Billy-Idol pointed at the big heavy box I had just taken out of my car boot.
I looked down at it and made a ffrrrrbb noise of disdain with my lips.
Eh, well, I suppose it is. If you could call it that.
I gave the amp a half-hearted kick for existing.
Aw no way man, you're throwing it away? In the dump? A guitar amp. You should never throw out a guitar amp man, never! Think of the people that could still get joy out of it?
He clucked with his mouth and made guitar-playing motions with his hands. I frowned at this fucking odd combination of movements, what did he think he was, an electric chicken?
I don't think anyone will be getting any joy out of this fucker.
I kicked it again because I was growing to like kicking it.
What kind is it?
Billy-Idol wandered a little closer trying to peer at the front grille of the amp.
It's a Line 6 Spider 4.
I gave it a little nudge with my foot this time to keep it guessing.
A Line 6? Mate, they are awesome amps! Has it got the 'Insane' mode?
Billy-Idol hopped up and down with glee at the thought of insanity.
I huffed and shook my head.
Spider amps are shit, they are built for teenagers and yes it has got 'Insane' mode. It doesn't make it any less shit.
I kicked the amp again and felt it wince.
And you were going to just throw it in the dump? Let it go to waste?
Billy-Idol looked incredulous as if, despite actually being in a dump, had never experienced the joy of throwing old broken shit away. He had obviously never gotten divorced.
I can't give it to someone, it's a bit broken. The clean channels don't work so all you can do is play on 'Insane' or 'Metal' modes and even then they are a bit crackly.
My hangover growled at me for explaining myself and crossly demanded I just punch this fucker in the neck and get on with my day.
I smiled robotically, as I desperately attempted to quell my inner beast.
But it's a Spider amp! You can get it fixed or take the speaker out and use it in something else. You can't just throw it away... In fact, can I have it?
Beggar-Idol looked at me hopefully.
I don't think it would be much use to you.
I kicked it again for the hell of it.
Of course it would! I will have a look inside, maybe one of the connections just needs a little solder. Go on, can I? You are throwing it away anyway.
He put his arms out to the sides as if trying to form a rainbow between his hands.
Aye, alright then, whatever. Here, take the fucking thing.
I gave it a final kick.
Cool man!
Billy-Idol picked it up and trotted eagerly to his car his eyes shining with excitement.
I chuckled. Maybe I should have mentioned that I had ripped the magnet off the speaker in a how shit works exercise with my kids this morning. The Little Boom was most impressed with his new giant magnet.
I got back in my car and started the engine.
Shall we run him over?
My hangover asked eagerly.
I laughed a little shrilly.
Not today my friend. Not today.
