Uggggh.
I stumbled toward the bathroom like a dishevelled zombie Tony Soprano fetching his morning paper.
Just two more days, Dawg. Two more days of work then freedom for the holidays.
I flicked on the light switch as the bathroom was darker than a Badger's boaby.
Hot shitting Jesus?!
In the doorway, I almost dropped my towel and stared aghast at the foul sight within.
Sitting there, bang in the middle of the floor was a shit.
An actual shit on the floor. A real live shit. On the floor? Not even a cute one with a curly tail or an impressive Wookie's Finger standing half-raised like a Cobra about to strike.
No, It was just a plain little shit. Sitting quite still, in my bathroom.
Despite only being wrapped in a towel for my shower, I knelt down and peered at it more closely to confirm my suspicions that it really was a shit. I mean, who would fucking shit on the floor of a man's toilet?
That would just be obscene.
It simply couldn't be, more likely, it was something innocent like a piece of half-chewed slobbery toffee?
Alas no. Close up it was even more shit-like than I had dared believe possible.
And believe me, I have seen shits that would make Debbie doing Dallas gag.
I like to throw in a joke for the old-timers. I have no idea who this alleged Debbie fellow is
I stood up ramrod straight. This just wouldn't do...
You may be wondering why I have called you all together?
I paced up and down the lounge in front of the assorted felons and miscreants that comprised my family.
They were all sitting on the couch, guilt radiating out of them like the self-righteous madness heat from an anti-vaxxer.
As I strode up and down , I pulled out a notepad on which I had scribbled some notes and doodles of the offending shit.
Someone did a poo on the toilet floor and I want to know who.
I raised the notepad and showed them one of my poo doodles. Then I stopped pacing and fixed them with a beady death stare.
Anyone? Anyone have anything they want to get off their chest?
My eyes ached from the pain of swivelling in all directions to keep each one of them in sight as well as look up through the ceiling at the offending poo on the floor upstairs.
Daddy, that's not a poo. It's the wrong colour?
The youngest, Little Boom said as he peered at my notepad.
Huh?
I turned the notepad so I could see it. It was a fine drawing of a shit in my opinion. The kid was either deranged or a criminal shitting mastermind attempting to throw me off the scent.
It is most definitely a poo, young man. The question is, is it yours?
My accusation hung in the early dawn air like bagels after a boiling.
Daddy-Bear, this is ridiculous. It was obviously one of the cats. Now behave yourself. Let us go get breakfast.
The Good Lady made to rise from the sofa but stopped mid-lift as I rounded upon her with an outstretched finger.
Not so fast, Missy. Give me one good reason you might not be the culprit?
I worked my jaw furiously and scribbled a hasty note. Good Lady, acting guilty as fuck.
It wasn't me, I am a bloody adult?!
She sputtered in outrage.
Oh lady, lady, lady. I have seen many an adult poop on a floor and not always in a good way.
I pulled one of the dining table chairs to me and put a foot on it like an explorer of old.
But, you are right. It couldn't possibly be yours. Your poos are massive and are prone to blocking the toilet. So badly we have to call a plumber. So yes, I grant you Miss Big Poops. It is likely not you.
I snapped my head and sniffed as if scenting blood.
But wait. Who is silent? Who has said nary a word?
My gaze rested on the Little Lady who was picking assorted somethings out of her toenails and flicking the bits on the floor.
Huh? What? Me? It wasn't me. I don't poo on floors?!
She huffed before lifting a foot up to her nose and giving it an experimental sniff.
I shook my head. I was getting nowhere fast.
Can I see it? Can I see the poo?
The Little Boom asked eagerly.
Slowly a smile crept over my face like a ninja crossing a nightingale floor.
A fine idea. Perhaps a return to the scene of the crime might shake some guilty memories loose.
I led the way back up the stairs to the offending bathroom. Now we were truly going to get to the bottom of this mystery...
But it was right there? I swear it?!?!
I pointed at the precise part of the floor where the wicked shit of all shits once lay. The area was now clean and shit free as if nothing untoward had ever happened.
Perhaps one of the cats ate it?
Said the Little Lady resting a sympathetic hand on my arm.
I shook her hand off and grimaced at the family, clustered, sniggering around me. I raised a finger and waggled it at them.
This wasn't over. Not by a long shot.
