Aw thank you guys, I have had a lovely morning!
The Good Lady's face shone with happiness like an uncleaned breakfast griddle as she entered the lounge after having had breakfast and gifts in bed for Mother's Day.
Mother's day is earlier in the UK than in other parts of the world because we are a bitter bunch that feel we always have to come first. I half bowed and gestured toward the Kitchen. Madame, the day is not yet over! I did my very best to sound exotically French without going as far as to add aw-he-haw-he-haw at the end of my sentence. Oh really? You don't have to get me anything for Mother's day silly. I'm not your Mother! She laughed and I joined in so that she didn't feel like a hot dick with a rubbish sense of humour. After all, it was her special day. It is a pleasure for the person who is the bedrock of our family. The person who holds us all together with her lovely bosoms. I tilted a cheeky wink in the direction of Bosom number 2 whom I have always gotten on best with. Oh go on then. What is it? She capered slightly as is the way of ladies when they feel for the tiniest moment that they are not being taken for granted. Come my darling. Come into the Kitchen and prepare to be bedazzled! I took her hand and urged her forward. Are you ready? Are you ready for the amaze? As she entered the kitchen I let go of her hand and waved majestically at the corner. TADA!!! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! She opened her eyes and blinked several times. Then she blinked some more. Um, what's that? She took a tentative step towards the beauteous gift that proudly stood before her. What'dya mean, what's that? It is perfectly obvious is it not? I exhaled vigorously out of my nose in astonishment that she had to ask. Is it... Is it a bamboo plant? She looked at me quizzically as if I had offered her poached pears as a dessert. I barked with delight... Is it bamboo?! Is it bamboo? My Good Lady, this is the GOLDEN BAMBOO! Exotic and long, and very very strong, it is Bamboo royalty!! Just look at this lovely. Her slender golden stems can grow up to five meters tall and she is as bushy as fuck. Incredible. She can replace the black bamboo which died up the back. Whatcha think? I preened next to the beautiful little baby golden bamboo. Oh, and she is terribly invasive so we get to fuck the back neighbours over big style! I giggled at the thought of fast-growing bamboo stems pushing up through the back neighbour's house, piercing their frail bodies like bloody spears whilst they slept and lifting them aloft as a warning to all. I stroked one of my new baby's glossy green leaves. The Good Lady looked utterly utterly baffled. Um, that is very nice and all but erm, isn't bamboo your thing? Could you not have gotten me chocolates or something? She gave her bottom lip a puzzled chew. Chocolates are for the weak. I waved a hand dismissively. I like chocolates The Good Lady's voice rose up an octave or three. Nonsense. You like bamboo my darling. Bamboo all the way. Now, let me go out and plant this little bugger. I gave her a peck on the lips and lifted up her bamboo to take outside. What a fantastic Mother's day!
Which might be the main reason that everywhere else in the world classes themselves as better lovers...
I was careful to enunciate bedazzled so that it wasn't confused with vajazzled I don't think she would appreciate me sprinkling glitter in her vegetable garden.
and no, I hadn't managed to cover the floor with balloons and shuck my clothes off before lying naked under them. Although one of my friends has actually done such a thing. Not for my missus though, that would be a punching affair.
