I obviously still care about caring. Despite me feeling I couldn't care less.
What a weird day it has been, I feel sort of in an otherworldly time vortex. Is it still the same place? Physically it looks like it, but it doesn't feel the same. I have no idea about timelines or if there is any merit to that idea, but man today is just a peaking point. Or rather a troughing point. Maybe it's healthy, a last attempt of the old life paradigm to make its case before it forever perishes, but its utterly hollow all the same. The door is near.
Maybe it's my subconscious telling me the van will be finished tonight and we can finally leave this place that is the densest representation of stagnation this year yet. But maybe it's getting my hopes up on the long-awaited light at the end of the tunnel. God knows how much longer that will twist and wind before I starve or get out to hear the birds.
I have been pretty good with it all but today - somehow - I have reached the end of it. Maybe because I know it's about to end. I am glad, but don't feel so. I think I'm worn down by expectation, by patience unfulfilled and by going in circles every day despite knowing what I want and can do. It's the strangest juxtaposition of reflecting the old while not breathing the new. There is only a promise of sorts, inner monk smiling brightly and nodding his head to me, while I observe this beingness that I call myself do all sorts of manic freak-outs over... well... stagnation and hopelessness.
How emotional can I get about nothingness? See, the moment I write it I don't believe it either. It's like a pathological move of the mind to comprehend things and interworking leagues bigger than itself. And I'm even tired of watching it. Tired of all of it.
Time for all optional dramas seems plenty. Any little thing can get lodged in there, but not what we set into motion to have done, that has headwind beyond belief. I just wish I understood it. But I don't. The whole year has been like this, drawing duds has become the norm and the boring old keeps surfacing all the time. Yes, I have seen you, very creative, thank you, bye. The inner world has made leaps and bounds but the outer has not caught up by a long shot, and well, that is at least a surprise. Really not sure about materializing any more. The vital spirit is stuck.
The monk keeps reassuring me it's all in perfect order, but what good is everlasting patience for someone in the desert marching day by day with no water. Does patience have a limit or is patience everlasting and eternal, always bigger than what I think I can reach?
I have no idea. No clue what today's energy means but it is palpable and off-putting. Maybe I'm just not compatible. Nothing has changed outwardly, so there is no specific reason to whine. But I am beyond reason now.
I have started to clean up house where we currently are, I feel I reject this place and there won't be another weekend here. So might as well pretend tomorrow we'll bounce.
It is DONE! I have poured my all into preparation for the studio time in winter, have learned and learned about techniques, skills and hacks for my music, have helped and visited friends and family, have even cut the hedgerow today... anything but the van, that is still being worked on of course. Like carrying away a mountain stone by stone. And it's maddening. Maybe that's how deserts sprang up!
The point of "don't care" is not a fun place to hang out at, but it has become sort of my home this year, which is a rather sad thing to remark. God. At least I still recognize it as sad. A few more months of this stagnation here and I will turn into utter personified nihilism. And that will not do anyone any good.
So - as so often this past cycle - I vent on Hive for future generations to relate, to focus the odd energy coming up in me today into some concrete form - beats carrying it around unuttered for sure! As for music: My beats haven't worked out today, there is too much stagnation to make a track about stagnation. Nothing goes. And I see it and count my losses ahaha.
But monk says there is light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe Pfiffi wants to make sure it has REALLY suffered enough before the better times roll in again. And if so, well, this year has been an utter success. Especially this past and ongoing moon cycle. What a mess.
On to new shores please, I don't even care if it is a swampland with reptiles and lava rivers, as long as it's a new shores - I'll take 'em! And not the real life groundhog day on everlasting repeat. And the monk whistles: Nothing is everlasting dude. Nothing.
